You

adam, you are the angel of my eyes

filling up time

Am waiting for a London supplier’s office to open. And the person I want to talk to available. I am starting to regret the business decision to deal with a London-based supplier. For one, the time difference is killing me. He can only be available at the final hour of my working time, which he is always somewhere else making coffee, having meeting. But the deal was good, we got a good competitive price. And he is such a reasonable person. We are concluding the contract and once this is sealed off, I no longer have to feel that time is always against me. Then all operational matters can be done via e mail.

By the way, the Boss lamented to a friend that someone has cut and paste my blog entry and emailed that particular entry to him. I was surprised. Not that I feel guilty, because when I wrote that entry, it was really meant for him to know. It was just I was waiting for the right time to send it off to him. I did during his birthday. So are you the one who cut and pasted it to him?

People have started to advise me to be careful of the closest ones to me. They said that the closest ones are the easiest to blow and stab my back. I am still on the principle that if I don’t intend to stab someone’s back, then nobody will to me. Perhaps I am too naïve? That I think the whole world is kind and always kind?

Theo the Raj has been more than helpful to help me out with the interview I attended early this month. He pushed the date earlier so that his HR people could ‘experience’ me. I don’t think anything good would come out from that interview. For once, I valued myself so high that I don’t think they would want to afford me. The Boss, for once looked happy and boasted that no one can afford his ‘kids’.

Yes, for you who cut n paste my email to him, just to let you know that my relationship with him is beyond what you can imagine. He might be accusing me of slacking here and there, but he knows at the end of the day that I will always stand fiercely next to him, helping him out when nobody left standing. I might be whining on what a failure I have been by not meeting his expectations but it was always me that he looked for.

Oh yeah, I also found out that I now have two stalkers! These two guys keep texting me, asking me whether I would have lunch with them, or whether I am still awake at 1 a.m. Not bad eh, at the age of 33, and having 3 kids, some guys are still after me! Ahaha perasan.

The London-based supplier is still in the meeting. I call him on Monday then. Goosh this contract is taking longer than I thought it would!

Off to Yoga class. (will blog more about Yoga in the next entry)

yoga at home

Yoga at home is definitely painful, to me.

I remember the pose i wanted to achieve, but i don't remember how to get there. Thought of just pose and hold for a few breaths. Ended up with sore legs and thighs.

Doing it with a teacher is different. We are slowly guided to move one step to another in achieving the final pose. And moving from the final pose to resting pose is also structured systematically. With the systematic structure, the muscles are slowly stretched and slowly taught to go back to their natural position, I think.

The thing is i need practice! Beginner's class is only on Monday and Tuesday. They have a few on weekends but have decided that weekends is totally the kids-mommy-time. Need at least one or two more session in between Wednesday and Sunday.

I need to be better at this. Wonder whether I can find a tape recorder to recorded the instructor's voice and practice at home.

Glee I wanna hold your hand

Sekarang ni kat US dah season 2 .. kat Malaysia baru keluar season 1 part 1 and season 1 part 2

Dia cerita pasal teenagers kat high school

Semalam I watched the downloaded version season 2… ada satu bab ni, ada this character, a gay boy nama Kurt.. ayah dia kena stroke and masuk spital.. mak dia mati time dia kecik. .masa dia tengok the mom was being placed into the grave, and the soil were scooped onto the coffin, he looked up at his dad looking for his dad to say that everything was gonna be okay, that the world is not coming into an end for him, but all the dad did was hold his tiny hand.. that was enough for him..

And now that the dad is hospitalized and in coma, he longed to hold his dad’s hand… dia pegang his dad’s hand and ask, ‘dad if you hear what I say, please squeeze my hand’.. tapi dad dia tak respond..

then masa kelas dengan Mr Schue, he sang I wanna hold your hand (was it by the beetles? Or bee gees?), it is supposed to be a fun song kan, but he carried it so differently , slow motion and full of emotion…

I nangis dengar dia nyanyi.. ni I tengah nyanyi macam dia nyanyi pun, I nangis! Aiyoo..!

side Effects?

http://www.buzzle.com/articles/keratin-hair-treatment-side-effects.html

oh kenapakah rambut rambut ku berjatuhan di merata tempat?

Inikah sebabnya?

Winnie did caution me on the hair loss, she said it might not be the case if you are not in the post natal zone.

Broke My Heart

Azeuchry: Mom, can you cuti tomorrow?

Mom: No darling. Why ?

azuechry: *silence*

Mom: Why? Do you have something at school/

Azuechry: No. I just want to spent time with you.

It didn't just break my heart, it tore my body into pieces.

cold storage

A staff was taken out from the operation team a long time ago, and placed as ‘tracker’ for all other people’s progress (so much of work satisfaction! Put me there and I die not doing anything). My NumeroUno the Boss was lamenting to a friend about how destructive the ‘tracker’ was to the business operation, by the way she treated the customers and supply sides.

All can see that is actually a cold storage spot.

All but herself.
For her, the boss loves her and her ability. For boss to create a totally new spot and place her there makes her feel so special, that her ability is needed there.

Deep down I admire her for being so stubborn in thinking that she is good. Eventhough she is the only one in the whole world who thinks that.

Imagine, even if the boss’s rejection is turned into love, what are the other negativities that could get into this person?

Emergency Stockpile (E Pile)

My (frozen breast milk) E Pile is depleted! Zero! Nada..!!

Waahh saya sangat panick...

I had a meeting at near-Lumut ending at around 5:30 p.m, last Friday. Had a relative's wedding to attend at K-Kangsar-the-Royal-town at 8:00 p.m. I arrived around 9:00 p.m. stayed around until 10:30 p.m. and thought of sleeping over at Lenggong until The Man called up to say that there is only one more frozen stock available. The Man had bought Nursoy for emergency use but I decided to drive back. Arrived around 2:00 a.m.. Safely. so that li'l Adam still have milk to drink.

blackberry vs broadband

Which one is better for me?

Broadband:
Easier to blog hopping at work.
Easier to blog (with no kids around)
However, firing up the PC takes sometime, and by the time the connection to internet is established, I am always off to somewhere (either breastfeeding the little one or fixing up anna's dress)

Blackberry:
Easier to blog, especially small short entry.
Too small to navigate blogs.
Easier to update facebook.
Cannot use to download songs (like laaa i download songs too often)

Which one eh?

Quote of the Day

Each day we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.

~Charles Swindoll

A Dream Bedroom

A Dream Bedroom

I’d like a heavily scented bedroom.
I’d like to walk into a bedroom (mine, of course) with potpourri smell. I’d put on two, err four scented candles on my long dressing table, and the candle light will be flickering and reflected on the big mirror. I’d put on one aromatherapy burner each on the bed side tables. I’d put one burner too in the bathroom.
Lavender is my favorite. Citrus is the Man’s, which I don’t really mind since citronella is known to combat flu and sinus problem, which I have.
I have the scented candles ( I think they are in the boxes somewhere). I have the aromatherapy burners. I have the matches. I have the long dressing table with the big mirror. I have the bedside tables. I have the big king sized bed, with matching colors. I have my dream bedroom.
I also have one six year old kid who refused to sleep in his bedroom. I have, too, a two year old toddler who only sleeps after the parents doze off. My four month old son will soon be crawling and after that toddling around the room. All these human beings sleep in the (THE) dream bedroom. And the flickering candles and aromatherapy burners are obviously a fire-starter in the house, and also the whole street’s.
Guess the scented candles will rot in the boxes.

Public Feeding

if you see a toddler eating an icecream or drinking his milk, would you be staring at him for hours?

but if you see a baby drinking his mom's milk, you would be, right?

why?

because the element of boobs is there.

how discreet the mom would be in nursing her baby, as long as it is done in public, the look is there. people, man and woman, elderly or teen, would cast at least a minimum of two glances.

if a mom manages to nurse and camouflage her doing in a very stylish manner where nobody would realize what's she doing, no stare, no.

but if a baby dozes off in mom's lap, and people passing by kinda guess that mom is nursing, then the heads will turn to catch the second look.

while i agree that showing off boobs in public is totally a no-no, i also realize that in order for one to nurse, she can expertly hide the flesh, the black aerola, and the tits from view of others. so why the stare? (so that you can catch a glimpse of the flesh? or the tits?)

its not that the mom is running around without bra and shirt.

i guess boobs always and will always be a sex object. i was in a room with 20 or so guy friends, asking around whether they are the boob or ass guy, only two say they favor the ass rather than the boobs. the rest, mostly malaysian with all the races available, prefer boobs.

men drool over boobs. small or big.

women, too, can't help but looking at other women's boobs, for comparison sake, i assume.

but when you are using your boobs to feed your child, and you feed him lovingly, and you know that the first six months is crucial for the child to drink ONLY from your boobs, you no longer see your own boobs as sex object.

therefore you feel that nursing in public is not a crime. especially when you can hide the flesh and the whole action expertly.

its not like you are trying to seduce the man who sat across the restaurant with his wife and three teens

its not like you are trying to stop the lorry driver in the middle of the pack-non moving federal highway.

so, shame not mommies, you are just delivering the babies the best thing in the world. that's the real reason why God created boobs in the first place.

Expressing Myself in Expressing Breast Milk

Adik Adam now drinks 4 oz per session. That makes it 24 oz requirement daily (DAY only). And mom here is panicking since mom now produces around 4 x 4 oz. Two frozen stocks are taken daily.
Weekends are now spent with DIRECT feeding to stimulate, but Adik Adam dozes off very quickly on mom’s boobs.
Looks like two-year exclusive breastfeeding is the major challenge for Mom.

My Interview (to climb up the corporate ladder, I guess)

The interview session last Friday was something that I want to remember. Herewith were the questions asked by the panel.
Z is my new boss.
S is the boss for 10 years.
R is totally a person who doesn’t know me.

R: So why you apply for the job? (please forgive me, but her English is bad. B A D, okay)
R:What you meant by career progression?
R: So if there is another post opening for Senior Manager in another unit in this organization, would you go?
R:This JD is prepared by this unit itself. Are you telling me this JD is wrong?
R: What do you mean by a Senior Manager’s main task is for more strategic direction of the business?
R: IF you have all these initiatives planned for the business, why don’t you carry them all in your current position? Why must you wait until you get this post to carry all those initiatives?
R:You know who applied. Of all these four candidates, tell us why we should choose you?
R: You is (she really said you is, I almost laughed looking at Z’s face) the one who has the most experience. What do you think is the biggest challenge of us choosing you?
Z: In terms of your performance, how do you think you’ll be at your current job if we don’t choose you? Will you be demoralized?
R: You know there is one candidate who is already doing the job, how do you think it would be if you get the post and he will be your subordinate?
S: You have gone through the mills. Operationally after these 10 years. Non operational tasks like the leadership and managerial are something you learnt by experience. Senior Manager is a different level of post. (And what is the question there, again, sir?)
S: Tell us how the others describe you. Precise and concise. (and just when I was about to open my mouth). Precise and concise. If the Committee (higher up) asked me who is this clipperseep, what should be my answer. Not what you want to be. But who you are. Are you the kind of person who listens. Do you have the guts to say NO. Do you have the guts to say NO politely. Are you a subject matter expert. How are you in terms of communication and interpersonal skills. (At this point of time, I really feel that he is answering the questions himself. Hahaha.. so that is who HE is. Determining what is my direction, what is my attitude.. huh)
S: There is no probation period for the Senior Manager post. You have to be there and perform the minute you are given the task. You talked about your challenge of handling elder subordinates. Why the lack of confidence? (I was about to answer, it is you , sir. I really feel that for the past six months, no , eight months, no ten months, it is really him who has pricked my confidence with all the criticisms and high expectations and no-more-pats-at-the-back-s)
S: How to make people work for you?
S: What drives where you are today and tomorrow? Is it position? Is it money?
R: In order for you to survive in this organization, you need to have something more than passion. I was myself at procurement division before, it was my passion. (really? I don’t need to know haha) but when I am transferred to HR, I was really demotivated. You have to have an open mind. You cannot have a closed mind by telling yourself that this is your passion. That will kill you one day if you need to survive in this organization. (and I answered,” if you catch the drift, my passion is the industry, not the organization, that is what I have been saying for the past 20 minutes or so”)
R: What is your plan in handling the more senior, in term of age, subordinate?
S: Sometimes it is good to be outside of the unit for a while and then come back to the unit. Where do you see yourself outside of this unit? (at this time I really thought he know what my plan is kakakakah orang bersalah selalu terasa , who eats the chillies have the burnt tongue kakakah).
R: You really think you are underpaid? What is your benchmark when you said that?
R: Well I don’t have any questions for you now. What is your question to the panel?

Walking Away, Step by step

Dear SBH,

This is perhaps the darkest hour of my life, where the toughest decision has been made and I choked myself everytime I bring myself to even start telling you.
You have always been the leader that I have high respect, admire and love for. Whenever you are in the boat, I would just close my eyes and jump right in. Since ten years ago, you have never failed to develop me. You are in the inspiration of anyone, of all lives that you have touched. I was lucky to spend the first ten years of my career life being mentored by you. You have never demanded the best of me but whenever you are the leader, I am always compelled to do my best, to supersede my strength. I always want to do my best, and did the best all the time. You allow me to explore my own strength, and further utilize my skills to get what I wanted. You let me be responsible of my own action, which outcome are always satisfactory results. And at the end, you are always there to pat my shoulder.
Like I said, I was lucky to spend the first ten years of my career life, mentored by you. I matured and learnt to grow my inner potential. It is a precious learning curve. I learnt to deal with difficult people, sensitive people, old people. I learnt to write. I learnt to make fast decision. I learnt to organize. I learnt to lead. I learnt to control my temper since you said that you lose the power of negotiation once you lost your temper. I learnt to always be true to my own words. I learnt that giving my 110% is just the right thing to do since the result is just fantastic. I learnt to enjoy my own result. I learnt to let other people to lead, in order to grow them. I learnt to let go of people, when they are happier at some other place. I learnt to manage without people, to make do of what I have. I learnt all these from you.
Other than those, I also learnt from you that… there are other things more important that work. There are family, parents, and health. I learnt from you that children are just the greatest rezki, gift from the Almighty.
However, through times, I have come to points that perhaps, despite the best that I have given, I have failed to be your best. I have failed to make decision like what you want me to make. I have failed to write the way you wanted me to write. I have failed to lead people who are older than me. I have failed to convince the opponents. I have failed to avoid mistake. I have failed to be diligent, to be careful. 8 or 9 years ago, I would always traced back the steps I made, analyzed where have I gone wrong and rise back to the occasion. I have always tried again and again. Until I won your approval. Until I made you feel proud.
Somehow, making you feel proud has always been my goal. Whenever you are the leader, I will never say no to any challenges that you have thrown. That is my strength, and true enough of what people said, our strength is always our weakness. . I have the weakness not being able to shut off and concentrate on my other responsibility. I have the weakness of exceeding your expectation as the priority and shutting of the rests.

My inefficiency have made me fail to juggle between doing my best and my other responsibility. And these next couple of years are the most crucial time for me to concentrate on my other responsibility.
I decided to walk away. And I have initiated a few steps that I can’t erase. I have used a few names that will be tarnished if I turn myself ‘round. Waiting for few phone calls. Once I am in, there is no turning back.

Somehow I feel that I am stabbing your back.

Aik ?!

Kenapa lain macam pulak aku tengok www.blogger ni punya screen?

Palm Tree Light vs Real Palm Tree

Image courtesy of
http://www.made-in-china.com/products-search/hot-china-products/Palm_Tree_Light.html

Brazilian Keratin Treatment

Before you jump in wonder whether my down-under has been brazilian-waxed, nope, this is not Brazilian Wax.

This is about Brazilian Keratin Treatment.

A reader left a comment on where can you find this in Malaysia.

You may find it at A Cut Above. They have branches in Midvalley, Pavilion, Sunway Pyramid and a few more.

Winnie Loo is the one who is responsible in introducing this to me. At shoulder length, the cost of the treatment at A Cut Above is RM600. Then you have to plus the stylist' fees. Winnie Loo's charge is RM250, Senior Stylist and Junior styliest fees are slightly cheaper.

Winnie is like no other stylist that I have seen. She explained to me in details about what is the treatment. She did not force this treatment on me, in fact she told me that I might want to consider to do this later when I have the $$$. But I was so sold that I couldn't wait for her to finish talking (gosh she does talk a lot...i guess it's different when you have passion towards something, you can talk non stop for more than 40 mins) and told her, "just do it to me!".

Brazilian Keratin Treatment is basically a corrective treatment. You may google it afterwards to know how it works. YOu may find also that it is not recommended to pregnant and nursing mothers. I'm not gonna write about how it works chemically but let me give you testimonial.

I have concluded, sadly, years ago, that I can never have a natural looking hair. My hair is superfrizzy. I like the waves though. (When I was as The States, somehow, the waves fell down natually. Don't ask me why. humidity level?)

Visited high end salons and every stylist I met never recommend me anything else but rebonding. ("sebab you punya rambut sangat flizzy, sangat tebal woo , sangat susah mau jaga" aghh!) When the rebonding is still fresh (within 2 months), the hair is super straight and shiny and sleek. However, I find it very unnatural. It sticks to my head, and rests down on my shoulders with all the edges sticking out. Its like comparing a palm tree light with a real palm tree, if you get what I meant.

Come the third month, I already had it in ponytails.

On a rebonded-then permed-then colored-then rebonded and colored on the same day-then rebonded again hair, the natural frizzines becomes frizzier. My poor hair went through 10 years of torture.

Until Winnie advised me on BRazilian Keratin Treatment. she said it is a breakthrough. People don't have to depend on rebonding anymore. I hoped and prayed she was right.

Two weeks after the Treatment, and after three washes, surprisingly, she is correct. My hair doesn't stick on my head, it flows down naturally. I got the normal salon next to my place curled them for a wedding function and the girls were surprised to see how soft my hair was. (these are the same girls who have been saying, akak tak boleh selalu blow dry aaa. .nanti rambut akak rosak sebab rambut akak manyaak frizzy woo... somemore rambut akak sangat tebal woo sangat susah mau jaga)

I am yet to say more about it after a few more washes. So far, I'm lovin it! love it! In short, if I may conclude, rebonding = super straight, frizzy-less but brazilian keratin treatment is natural and you will still get the frizzy-less effect.

erm. is there such word of frizzy-less?

Kids

Next Monday it is. The day i return to work after three months of leave. (okay if you wonder why three: The first month was the time recuperating from the attack of Strep B Virus and avoiding further stress at work and the two-month is the official maternity leave. )

I dropped the workplace a visit today. Short mere visit to see whether my room still has a door. Turned out that they have changed the security door placement. Fortunately, i was lucky to get my card changed today or else i'll be spending alone outside the door on monday morning.

The routine of reaching home at earliest of 6:30, more often than not at 7:30 will start.

The kids go to bed at 9:30.

Thus, i have full two hours to spend with them. These are the activities to be cramped into that two-hour:

1. solat maghrib
2. mommy's shower.
3. mommy's dinner. and the kids'.
4. iqra' reading for azeuchry. introduction of simple arabic letters to anna.
5. some fun thing like fun yoga or fun dance
6. art thingy : either crayon or color pencil.
7. checking azeuchry's homework.
8. math.
9. bahasa book reading.
10. english phonic reading.
11. bed time story of at least one prophet story. (mental note: really need to find more stories on prophet. i'm running out stories right now after azeuchry is bored with Adam and Hawa (Eve) and the forbidden fruit, Musa (Moses) and the Dead Sea, Spider and Lizard with Prophet Mohammed)

and how do i squeeze all these into two hours slot with little adam seeking attention on mom's boobs?

with dad away for almost all the school nights (if he has no classes, he'll have to spend time with his assignments)?

and the kids also require some tv time. i have no heart to take away their tv time. C'mon, they are not yet seven.

sad, isn't it, that we are granted 24 hours a day and i only have two hours with the kids. and sadder it will be if i spend the two hours yelling and screaming at them over unfinished math sheet or unread phonic books or unfinished meal. ("makan cepat le nasi tu nanti sejuk dah tak sedap!! makan habis nasi tu nanti nasi tu nangis!!)

perhaps since Anna is just over two years old, i can just concentrate on Azeuchry's math and reading. but anna would also be requiring attention. the only time i could get both the same attention is during fun yoga or the silly dance, provided little adam is not at my boob suckling.

how are gartblue,zal,and the rest juggling with four kids, that is one of the world's mysteries .

so if i get a work place nearby and can be home before 6:00, i can spend the before-maghrib time doing the fun thing and the more serious activities after maghrib.

if, la kan?

Tak Ke Pelik

So MyCompany had arranged for a few training based on the competencies score. I am impressed!

Tapi tak ke pelik kalau ada orang dapat panggilan training based on low score in presentation skill cakap macam ni, "Eh saya segan lah nak pergi training yang kena ada presentation ni.. nanti kena cakap english, pastu kena buat presentation.. eh segan la saya nak pergi.. tak mo pergi lah".

Pastu tak ke pelik kalau orang yang cakap macam ni tu dapat naik Manager a few years ago?

Pastu naik pangkat kat tempat yang very technical?

Aku pelik mentaliti macam ni.. pelik.. pelik.. pelik..

Kalau macam ni HR buat la beribu ribu training pun, there shall be no result.

Azam Lost Daddy

We took the kids to Berjaya Times Square today (minus little Adam) since Mom will start working next week and thought of savoring all the free time we had.

Anna could only ride on four rides.

Azeuchry could have 8. But he got hooked on the bumper cars.

On his like 5th ride of the bumper car, Dad somehow went up to take a look at another ride and took up some official calls. Azeuchry finished his 7th ride and found out that Dad is gone. He went around the park looking for his Dad.

Dad went back to the bumper car alley and came back to Mom who was sitting with Anna at a bench. "Azeuchry tak ada!" We panicked and searched him all over. Mom carried Anna and walked all over screaming Azeuchry's name while Dad membisu sahaja mencari. Susah nak tengok Dad's face so panick, that was a few of the moments in his lifetime. This lifetime.

Dad asked the security and they found him, budak pakai baju ultraman ni kan, downstairs. He was back in Dad's arm, holding back tears.

*akulah isteri Mithali, laki hilangkan anak pun saya masih cool*

Alhamdllilah.

Losing the Kilos

Losing the Kilos.

After about 7 weeks of child labor, I have lost a total of 17 kilos. (pelanggan setia dari Bangi, Puan Clipper telah pun memenangi hadiah dari SlimmingZoo. Berat sebelum, 72 kg. Berat selepas, 55kg).

Wah.. that looks like a lot to brag.

Except for the fact that:
1. 10 kgs consist of the baby, the water, the placenta and some tissues were lost during that painful child labor.
2. another 2 kgs was lost within a week after child labor. I read Adele Puhn’s book, it is still the tissues or something which were holding the womb.

However 5 kilos was what I really deserve the credit for. I was back to my pre pregnancy weight. Ehm.. pre third-pregnancy weight, to be exact. My target was to get to 50kg, which is my pre first-pregnancy weight, but figured out 5 kilos is really a big deal thus I need to celebrate.

Let me take this moment bowing to all the credits thrown at me. Even the Man’s mom a.k.a. my mother in law bragged to the whole family on how comel I look now (agh.. malu la saya.. hahaha). Just let me enjoy this moment, before I am back at work and start piling up some more kilos.

Jadi Puan Clipper, bagaimanakah cara Puan Clipper kembali langsing seperti sebelum mengandung dulu? How do you manage to stay back in shape? Apakah petua petua yang boleh dikongsi bersama? Okay pembaca setia blog saya, ini hadiah untuk anda.. (eik nak termuntah pulak aku). See whether these work for you, in fact I wouldn’t really know which one is the real cause of losing weight.

1. Pakai bengkung for 30 days and nights with some slimming lotion. You may get the Halia mustajab or mujarab something. Orang dolu dolu use the kapur and some lime squeezed to it, sekarang ni senang, get the slimming lotion. I got two pairs of bengkung yang ikat cam tali kasut, costs around RM35 each. Di waktu bibik tak ada balik kampong, kekadang satu tu pakai sampai dua malam. The first few days lepas balik hospital, suruh makcik urut tu yang ikat bengkung. Aku sedap pakai bengkung sebab bila nak batuk ke nak jerit ke nak gelak ke, abdomen tak rasa pedih sangat. And bengkung tak sama effect dengan girdle. Ada satu hari tu aku malas nak ikat bengkung and opted for girdle instead. Dua tiga hari lepas tu I felt like the womb is pressing downwards, ngilu siyot..

2. Water. Water. Water. I drank like two glasses of water before each meal and another two after. I drank in between the nursing. Bila dah pakai bengkung tu, you can feel macam penuh gila perut, thus you will eat less.

3. However, jangan makan sulam air. Ini petua Boy, laki si Syima. Don’t know whether that works but aku follow je.

4. If you can get a masseur who knows the lympathic nodes for slimming purpose, you might wanna get one. My makcik urut kononnya boleh urut pecah lemak. So the first two sessions lepas balik spital tu, she urut untuk lembutkan urat yang tegang meneran baby, but the sessions after tu, she bantai kuat kuat untuk pecah lemak. I am not really a believer in the massage for slimming purpose but perhaps that works. I got a total of 9 sessions spread out through the whole 8 weeks. (sebenarnye I booked for 10 tapi makcik tu makin lama makin kuat dia urut, sakit.. wa tak tahan!)

5. Portion control. Mak aku, mak lang aku, bibik aku semua bising kalau aku tak makan nasi. Pagi pun kadang kadang kena makan nasi. Kalau tak diorang kata nanti perut masuk angin and baby senang nak kena colic. So makan je la dua senduk gitu pagi, petang and malam. Tapi bila aku rasa nak bantai tu, bantai jugak.

6. Don’t write off the whole week. Maksudnya kalau kau dah bersemangat nak control makan hari isnin, tapi hari tu lauk sedap kau bantai makan banyak, hari selasa pun cam tu gak jadinya, jangan give up and ingat nak start next week Monday je. start je the immediate day, or better still, the immediate meal time. The best time to shed those pounds is really waktu berpantang, the moments you are confined at home dan pandangan tak luas sangat kearah restoran mamak, Tony Romas, buffet buffet hotel, kenduri kendara dan cendul tepi jalan. Nanti bila dah naik kerja, banyak gangguan, stress lah member ajak lunch lah, kenduri lah. So take this golden opportunity real good.

7. After my second child, aku rajin buat sauna kat spa. For 10 mins. Itu memang cepat aku rasa all the water retention menghilang. Pastu aku rajin buat sendiri kat rumah. Air panas (kalau tengah mengada, daun serai wangi) taruk dalam baldi, stand over the baldi with your legs spread, get an old bedsheet and wrap around your body. 10 minutes cukup. Ini aku tiru idea si Fuzet, makcik urut dia buatkan beranggang untuk dia. Hot charcoal with daun semalu and stand over the hot charcoal with the old bedsheet wrapped around your body. Tapi aku malas nak cari charcoal charcoal ni and di samping nak mengelakkan unsur unsur Coal dalam waktu rehat ni, aku invent sendiri lah itu baldi and air panas.

8. Mandi air wangi wangi. Recipies keluarga aku for air mandi is daun serai wangi, daun capor and daun ganda rusa. Kalau tak de, daun serai wangi tu je pun boleh. I don’t think it contributes to the weight loss but after mandi tu memang rasa segar je. So in a way it calms you down during berpantang ni.

9. 40 days without coke, ice lemon tea, the tarik Boleh buat? Mesti boleh punya. Milo pun aku buat milo kosong. Sampai kalau la ni aku minum milo yang taruk gula, mesti rasa manis teramat sangat. the only thing yang aku minum ada gula is kopi-o. itu pun ration nye once in two-day time.

10. Minum air akar kayu. Or in my case, my mom ambik air kulit kayu ada beberapa jenis. air ni rebus pagi and biar je satu periuk tu sepanjang hari. Bila nak minum campur sket dengan air panas so that it’ll be warm. To be frank, I don’t know the medicinal properties of these stuffs but yang aku tahu, setiap kali lepas minum, my body berpeluh peluh. Kalau dah tahan minum tak rasa nak muntah muntah lagi, gulp this down in replacement of water masa nak breastfeeding or meal time. Tapi tengok jugak baby, macam Anna tak berapa tahan perut dia bila aku minum kayu kayu ni, so I stopped at around 10th day. This third baby Nampak okay so sampai 54th day ni aku bantai. Stop if you feel this kayu kayan buat badan panas , you’d know bila tekak sakit and mulut pecah pecah. Or water down. The trick is, kena minum waktu dia suam, baru badan berpeluh Kalau air kat periuk tu dah sejuk, campur air suam waktu kau nak togok. Tak de le kau bagi alasan air dah sejuk la camne nak minum.

11. I took ikan haruan for the first 10 days, nothing else. Ikan haruan, sayur sawi + carrot and nasi. Itu je. Bila dah boring sket, substitute ngan ikan tenggiri. But selagi tak habis ikan haruan dalam freezer tu, selagi tu lah kena makan. I asked them kalau nak tumis pakai sesame or sunflower oil, only for my cooking. For fruit I took apple, oranges and pear. After 10 days boleh dah aku nak makan chicken ke daging ke. Must take all these chicken or daging sebab these are your protein sources. I took calcium and sangobion/obimin as supplement.

12. Bertungku. But I don’t think this contributes to the weight loss. People said it helps to contract the womb. I am a bit skeptical about that but aku suka the feeling of the heavy warm batu on my abdomen. It calms me down. And the smell of daun daun yang diorang balut the batu tu pun is very nice and relaxing. and bila batu panas tu kena perut, mesti angin keluar.. ikut mulut pun ada ikut bawah pun ada..

13. Breakfast. I eat breakfast banyak gila,lunch in moderation and dinner kalau boleh sket. Susah sebab The Man came back only for dinner, so i tend to eat banyak sebab duk berborak time dinner. nak ratah ratah sayur pun cepat benor rasanya aku perabihkan sup sayur tu. So kena control. But breakfast memang bantai banyak. After feeding yang subuh 5:30 tu, i always went down and gulped a glass of Milo with 4 slices of bread. Bread aku try toast without butter. Dalam dua tiga hari rasa dah used to the feeling of empty toast. Then 8 a.m. bantai oat dengan milo taruk nestum, kalau ada nasi goreng ambk la dalam semangkuk. I must make sure that my tummy is really full for breakfast. somehow it boosts the metabolism, i think.

14. Breast feeding. Ini memang aku rasa the main cause of weight loss. I read “How to Lose Weight While Breastfeeding” and she said about 700kcal is lost per day during nursing. Breastfeeding takes up a lot of kcal out from your body but it also increases your metobalism which can make you hungrier. masa my first kid, I reached out for chocolate cookies every single time after nursing. Hence little weight loss.
The trick aku buat kali ni is, masa baby dah uwek uwek nangis nak susu, cecepat gulp down one or two big glasses of water, baru feeding baby. lepas feeding, another two big glasses. Masa feeding pun kalau nak minum, aku galakkan sangat (provided your water refilling fairy ada la mengisi botol air kau). So you won’t feel the hunger sebab perut dah penuh. I have tall big bottles in all rooms.

Itu je lah yang saya buat. 5 kilos within 7 weeks? Boleh punya..

Knock Me!

Knock Myself

I want to drive a two-tonner coal hauling truck and knock myself over and over!

I know I have been saving some money aside since my second trimester just to splurge after the 40-day-after-labor delivery. Splurging is what I deserve after carrying the ever growing bulky tummy for nine months. Splurging is what I deserve after refraining myself from drinking coffee at the frequency I needed. Splurging is what I deserve after pushing three times to get the 3.6kg human being out from my 10cm dilated vagina (really? it was 10cm?!)

So I did splurge.

Splurge I did. Over splurge, more like it! Aghh.. *knocking head* The thing with shopping frenzy attack is, once you do it, you can never stop. The plastic card is not helping you either. You list out the items you bought and the prices of each. That wasn’t helpful for me. At last, announcing to the world wide web and making yourself look stupid is the last trump card. So here it is, my confession.

I got myself two hair treatments and a hair cut from a hairstylist I have been wanting since 5 or 6 years ago. Why two? Because I never though the Brazilian keratin treatment is finally here in Malaysia and My credit card was offering a 20pct discount on the day I went for the treatment. (okay enough justification. you are writing with the purpose to be ashamed of your own doing, not to justify).

I got three pairs of Thomas Chan shoes and another pair from Charles & Keith. And oh another pair from Reebok for my running activity (which is when? where?)

One pair legging from Isetan (its denim okay, and it makes my legs looks longer). And one pair of skirt. (in grey eh but I tot I already have grey skirt?). and one over the top cardigan that personalshopping.com says will look nice on people with my body shape. (note: this one has 20 pct discount)

two tops from MNG with the same design (okay, I figured out I was missing the whole 9 months fashion, was already too late for summer stocks and fall is too early for malaysian market, therefore simple spaghetti strap tops with blazer or jacket or cardigan is the safest bet to stay classic)

went to sunway pyramid and got myself another two pair of leggings (of course half the price of Isetan’s), one top in magenta, another top in turquoise (they will look a like in the eyes of my color-blind husband), one in grey and one top in avocado. oh yes another one simple spaghetti strap top that will add on to my line of that classic safe look. and to justify that these are requirement but I was still a smart savvy shopper, the bill of all these equal less than one top at Isetan.

oh yeah how could I forget the calf length black fancy skirt?

and the two bottles of shampoo and conditioner each (that is over RM100 per bottle)? (which has no sodium chloride that is harmful to the keratin treated hair)

and the spanx panty I order from the State? (gulping)

and 9 series of post natal massage.

Are these too much?

See? I didn’t get myself any perfume because I still have two bottles from my birthday present. No make up, since all my crème, and liquid, and stick foundations are still half way used. No eye color, no lippies. See? See? Am I a good girl or what?

Got myself justified. Figured out its my money anyway. Except for the fact that I might have to forget the brazilian wax, the digital perm, the ultimate perfect series of facial cleanser from Elken, the permanent hair removal for the legs and armpits, another Coach bag, a pair of red shiny pumps that are kind to feet and sexy to look at..

ooh the things a girl dreams do not mean the things a girl needs, right?

It harms me not to dream the other stuffs I want, as long as I don’t spend the next four available days roaming another mall!!

(ingatlah, semua ini harta dunia dan hanya sementara…eceh!!)

One More Week

One More Week


one more week and I’ll be back at work.
its funny that when you tried so hard not to remember things that happened just over your long holiday, you would drive along the highway and try very hard not to look at the building where you work.
i tried not to think of what is waiting for me at work, and how would I react knowing things that I worked on before my long leave is exactly at where I left them of.

other than that, the Man’s masters program is starting this week, today more exactly. he seemed excited, going over all the subjects that will be his favorite and subjects that he thinks are not relevant to him. I guess when the assignments start pouring in, the excitement shall be gone.. but for now, I enjoy seeing him excited stepping outside his usual limited box. I guess changes are always good for people, it made their brain work extra active and imagine more. Not knowing whether we can pull things through and juggle all the things existing around is exciting huh.

therefore, what is the change I need?

would i be the same ‘ol, same ‘ol?

would I dare stepping out the same usual box that I have been living within the past ten years? or would I be excited to be back to the same box, doing the same things with new challenges?

knowing that things went through the same when I wasn’t around made me think that perhaps, the place can survive without me. no, not perhaps, the place SURVIVE without me. Therefore I allow myself to be given the credit to. what I want to accomplish, has been accomplished.

perjuangan sudah selesai. what more to achieve?

I have one more week to think things through.

Introducing you to.. Adik Adam

Inilah adik Adam.

curik curik blogging

bangun pukul 5:00 pagi for Adam's second feeding of the night... then turun bawah pump sebab dia minum sebelah je.. mom's boob macam nak pecah je rasa sebelah kiri ni... naik atas, eh ternampak pulak pink laptop ni yang dah sehari tak terbukak... eh terblog la pulak pagi pagi ni.. rajinnya....

my new king sized bed rasa seperti kecil sahaja... ada tak rasanya double king sized bed? semua nak tido atas bed ni.. abang Azeuchry dahpandai dah, nak dozing off je tido atas ni, pastu daddy angkat tido atas tilam kat atas lantai tak naik naik dah.. si princess Anna ni, dah angkat tido atas junior cot dia, pandai pulak malam malam kerabat (panjat naik) katil ni.. padahal junior cot tu kitorang dah turunkan satu pengadang, rapatkan dengan katil mom and dad...
si Adam memang sepanjang malam tido bawah ketiak mommy.. mommy nak pusing kiri tossing kanan pun susah lah.. alahaiii.... rasa macam nak jadi kucing je, pakai tendang je anak sendiri...

berapa tahun lagi mau ini macam?!

hmm bila anak anak semua nak privacy, i'll miss all these fun ek...

i told Abang Azeuchry that nanti there'll be times where abang dah tak nak kiss mommy, tak nak hug mommy.. a few weeks ago lah aku cakap ni.. tup tup semalam dia cakap, "mommy kenapa mommy kata one day nanti kite tak nak kiss mommy, tak nak hug mommy, kenapa?" aku pun tak tahu nak cakap ape... then i said, "there'll be the time,sayang.. as for now, kiss and hug mommy as much as you want, okay".. then dia tanya lagi soklan tu... hehe.. then mommy pun dah tatau nak cakap ape...

Between One Kid and Another

I breastfed li'l Adam, let him sleep with my tit in his mouth. I did that to Azeuchry, too. They said boys are like that. They dozed off, mulut ternganga cam buaya, then only I could let my tit out and slept straight on my back. They slept, woke up and cried, and I switched boob, again, tit in the mouths.

With Anna, once she was asleep, my Maid took her and let her sleep somewhere else, mostly in the endoi (buaian). She woke up and cried, and my Maid took her back to me to nurse.

Lately I have been feeling that I have not been fair to Anna. She is the only girl, doesn't she deserve a lot of attention, hugs and kisses?

Last night on the way to back to Kampung, she was at the back with my Maid and abang Azeuchry. When it was only Anna and Azeuchry, Azeuchry sat in front with Mommy. And now since Adam is the littlest one, Anna had to give in and sat at the back. It is such a pain, i felt, as i held Adam closer to me at the front seat. (yes i know it was dangerously against the law but that is what breastfeeding mom do who has a maid, takkan Maid aku nak duduk depan dengan laki aku kot?) It is a pain to long to hold one kid but the other kid is requiring my attention.

I guess I understand the middle child syndrome a little bit better. With the first one, she always have to give in because Abang is always screaming for attention. With the littlest baby, she always have to give in because mom needs to give the boobsies to Adik.

I want to be fair. God help me to be fair.

I should pay more attention to Anna. She is big enough to understand that she is not being paid attention to. The least I want to hear when she grows up is Mom always hug and love the boys more, both Abang and Adik.

Tidurlah Adik Adam..

Been feeding since 10:30 p.m. Letak je, uwaa balik. Ni dah pukul 12:30, letak, setiap kali baby Adam tried to uwa, i stroke his hair. Perhaps the stroking, or perhaps he pun dah tak larat nak uwa uwa dah dekat dua jam ni.

Baby boy orang kata jangan bagi nangis banyak sangat. Nanti sakit pasang. Hernia. With Azuechry pun pernah ada history hernia operation, mommy pun malas nak bagi Adik Adam nangis lama lama. Tapi bila mommy pun dah dekat dua jam mengendong, menyusu, mommy pun naik pening dah niii...

But reading the blog by Sharulniza, at http://mayyonnizz.blogspot.com , made mommy aware that i am thankful to be given that 2 hours of non stop rocking-feeding-rocking-singing-feeding. At least Adik Adam sihat dengan mommy. Thinking that we almost lost you made me appreciate your presence more. Jadi nangis lah lagi sayang, mommy ada nak menyediakan 'pacifier' semula jadi yang adik Adam suka sangat ni...

Cerita Maid Aku dan Isteri Penghulu Yang Terlampau..

My maid has been telling me that she would want to have a one month off toward end of the year. So it puzzled us when she asked to go back in May. I mean, my EDD is in May, it is the most important month of the year, why leave us? But we gave her the benefit of doubt when she said that there were troubles at home. She also had stopped asking me whether she’ll get a payrise once the new baby is born.
Her flight back here was on June 2nd. Two days before that she called up saying that she wouldn’t be coming back since the husband has just been hospitalized. We gulped the news in. I was still hoping and berangan that all these are just dreams and she’ll be on that flight coming back. At last we allowed her another two weeks leave.
A week after that, when we know that the husband has been discharged, we wanted to call her up to talk about the flight arrangement. We couldn’t get her and several times, the husband said she was out.
I was napping around 4 yesterday when she called me up. Crying. I really thought the husband is dead. So dengan perasaan sedihnya aku bertanya whether the husband is okay. She said okay. Then she said she is already here in Malaysia. That she is working with someone who has loaned her money (of RM2,500). I worried that she borrowed monies from along and she is forced to work in a ‘bad place’. You keje dengan China ke? You keje tempat tak elok ke? Diorang pukul you ke? Are you okay? Itulah ayat ayat kerisauan seorang employer terhadap maidnya.
Then she said a neighbor of mine. That neighbor of mine is the wife of the pengerusi persatuan penduduk my section, kira macam penghulu. My maid was sent to her daughter in Cheras.
I was like, what? Bukannya neighbor aku tu tak Nampak I was carrying this bump in my tummy, and know that I could deliver any time. With a little baby and another two kids, I would greatly need the maid’s help around. And she does what? Steal my maid away to be given to her daughter who apparently is NOT pregnant.
My maid I think was feeling very very guilty to me, compounded to the fact that her Cheras employer doesn’t allow her to mix around with the persatuan bibik bibik di taman itu, seperti aku yang baik hati ini. She confessed everything to me but her story kept changing. I didn’t believe 100% of her story but I didn’t have to listen more to know the real truth.
My neighbor, yang patutnya menjadi the most respected elderly, KakPuteri (bukan nama sebenar) had lured her into borrowing monies from her, persuaded my desperate-for-money maid to go back in May, coming back here and work for her daughter. They knew very well that it was the Man’s name in the Permit to Work yang laki aku baru renew few months ago and will be valid until end of the year.
Yang maid aku pun bodoh, tak de saving nak balik buat ape? What to eat there? Aku la macam orang bodoh hari tu advancekan gaji dia satu bulan supaya she has some monies to spare. Idiot, rupa rupanya she had RM2,500 to spend and berjoli sakan while me here, while eating any good meal, teringat ingat lah ape yang dia makan agaknya kat kampong Indon tu.. The RM2,500 was given in return that my maid, upon her return must first lie to us saying that she cannot come back, second call KakPuteri to go and pick her up dekat LCCT (return ticket booked by us tapi seb baik guna duit my maid) and three go to work at KakPuteri’s daughter’s house. After few days, finding out that the daughter is not as kind as me, (uwek), dia sudah rasa bersalah, calling me back menangis nangis. I accepted her back, for the sake of the kids (and ketidaktahan melihat unwashed dishes in the sink and unironed shirts). She confronted the new employer, who then conveniently chased her away from the house, and took a cab to Bangi.
After she is safely home with us, lots of calls coming in. Apparently KakPUteri wants her monies back. Dekat phone aku pun there were like three missed calls from an unknown numbers. I didn’t pick up. Strategizing with the Man on what to say. We decided to put on hold any action until this weekend. I mean, we were cheated and were so much in anger, any action done can damage the relationship and peace of the neighborhood.
The next day, KakPuteri came to see me. Tak bagi salam, terus masuk pagar rumah aku. She called out my maid, scolding her not picking up the phone. Pastu , eh ini lagi best kalau aku buat script untuk tatapan korang. Macam ni eh;

Me: Kenapa KakPuteri?

Her: tak de le, akak nak duit akak balik.

Me: Kakputeri pun tahu mana la bibik saya ada duit banyak itu. Gaji dia pun atas sikit dari RM500. RM500 je lah dia boleh bayar kat akak skrg ni.

Her: Abih tu, kalau dia tak boleh bayar, kenapa dia pinjam duit akak dulu?

Me: (innocently, oh my face must have looked so sweet at that time) La.. abih tu , kenapa Kakputeri bagi dia pinjam banyak tu skali?

Her: (Terkedu) dah lah. Yang dah lepas kakputeri tak mau cakap dah..
(aku menjemputnya masuk di kala ini, dan duduk di depan tv sambil Anna menonton SnowWhite bab Snow White suruh the dwarfs pergi basuh tangan)

Her: Kamu tak boleh ke bayarkan untuk dia?

Me: (in my head, ‘bukan aku yang berhutang ngan kau, silly’, tetapi di mulut, yang terkeluar adalah: ) saya dan suami dah berbincang, kami tak de ape nak pegang dia kalau bayarkan penuh. Kami berbincang, jalan terbaik potong gaji dia tiap tiap bulan. 29th tiap tiap bulan dia dapat gaji, kami akan bagi dia cash untuk dia bayar kakputeri. RM500 sebulan, 5 bulan habis lah hutang dia kat kakputeri.

Her: Mana boleh. AKak bagi dia penuh, dia bayar bulan bulan.

Me: Akak boleh charge interest pun kalau akak nak. (was about to suggest klibor rate at the day of negotiation, ataupun bank Negara rate, tak pun maybank rate)

Her: Eih tak de le akak nak charge charge bunga ni. Berdosa. Kamu takkan tak de duit nak bayarkan dia? Akak nak pakai duit ni bulan ni. RM1000 pun jadilah.

Me: Kalau saya ada duit pun saya tak kan bayar kak. Apa saya nak pegang dia lepas ni? Kalau saya bayarkan, esok dia lari macammana?

Her: Kamu pegang le passport dia.

Me: La. Passport tu, kaalu dia nak lari, dia lari je tinggalkan passport dia. Nak nak kalau ada orang memang dah nak gajikan dia. (cuba untuk tidak menjadi cynical, tetapi dia tetap mati kering tidak mengakui kesalahannya… aduhai geramnya saya)

Her: Itule kamu, gaji tu rendah sangat . Dia dah dua tahun tu, boring la tu kalau gaji rendah.

Me: Nak buat camne kakputeri, itu je yang saya mampu gajikan dia. (at this time I was paying her RM550 per month, dengan janji nak naikkan gaji bila baby baru ada). Kalau dia dapat offer lagi bagus, saya tak boleh nak halaang dia pergi. Cuma kena cakap le kat saya kan, sebab dalam passport tu nama husband saya tertulis sebagai employer. Ada enam bulan lagi permit dia tu nak tamat. Apa apa jadi kat dia, husband saya kena bertanggungjawab.

Her: (Diam. Tidak mampu berkata ape)

Me: Kami kena ada cash kakputeri. ANak saya baru tiga minggu. Dua orang lagi kakak ngan abang tu kecik lagi, tak leh kalau tak ada maid. Kalau maid saya lari (masih cuba untuk tidak menjadi cynical dikala ini, oh aku orang yang baik uwek!), kalau maid saya lari lagi, memula kami kena pergi immigration nak apply maid baru, kena bayar denda RM2,500 .. pastu nak apply yang baru mau lima enam ribu abiss, pastu bukan waktu tu jugak boleh dapat, bebudak ni kena la antar nursery sana day care sini, dah berapa ratus dah abis.

Her: (Long silence). Iye, iye, kakputeri tahu semua process process tu. (dalam hati aku, dah tahu process apapasal tak apply maid ikut tatacara yang betul, nak pakai ambik je maid aku yang permitnye masih valid). Takkan Rm1000 pun kamu tak de?

Me: Kak Puteri, kalau saya ada pun, saya tak boleh nak bayarkan.. (tersenyum panjang, tanda menghormati)

Her: Tak de le. Kita ni kumpul duit , masuk dalam saving account, tetiba je hilang macam tu saja.

Me: Ha’ah kakputeri. Saya paham. Kita kerja teruk teruk , balik rumah malam baru jumpa anak, kumpul duit, tetiba je sedebuk hilang gitu je kan duit kita. Masa nak ambik dia dulu pun 4 5 ribu jugak hilang macam tu je. Hujung hujung tahun nak renew permit dia dekat seribu ha habis… sedebuk je, kumpul bulan bulan, hilang macam tu je kan.. saya paham kakputeri (abih tu, kau senang senang nak ambik maid aku tak paham paham lagi?!)

Her: (masih diam)

Me: Saya minta maaf lah mende ni jadi kat kakputeri. Mesti menyusahkan kakputeri, kan. (kau tu yang lagi banyak nak menyusahkan aku). Saya dengan suami pun tak tahu macammana nak tolong kakputeri. Semalam kami dah Tanya pendapat immigration, police semua. Indonesian embassy je masih belum kami Tanya pendapat. Nanti saya nak tanyakan lawyer saya yang based dia kat Jakarta nanti, ape nak buat. Perlu ke nak lodge report supaya ada bukti dia pernah lari? Kami ingat sabtu ni lah nak gi jumpa kak puteri dan cikgubedul (bukan nama sebenar) nak explain yang maid kami memang tak de duit banyak gitu nak bayar. Yang mampu dia bayar bulan bulan je..

Her: Tak payah. Cikgubedul kata dari dulu dia tak nak masuk campur hal ni.

Her: Takkan Rm1000 pun kamu tak boleh bayar.

Me: (senyum).

Her: Okaylah kak puteri balik dulu. Kamu bersiap ni nak gi mana?

Me: Oh nak gi kedai depan jap beli mee kuning, sat gi tengahari lawyer Indonesia tu nak dataang, takde pe nak jamu.

Her: (keluar rumah aku lepas salam ngan maklagn aku)

I tot I missed out all the fun negotiating at work, but this is indeed, much fun! Hahaha… My maid came running to me after that, I just told her that if she needs to go for a better offer, I understand, but please inform us earlier. Sian anak anak aku. Berdrama kejap lah aku. Dia pun menangis nangis, si ajin and yati akan cakap ini air mata crocodile.
For now, I’m having fun leaving the dishes unwashed in the sink. But I know that trust I must not to this maid of mine.
Kepada Allah aku berserah, Kau maha Penentu, pada tangan Kau aku serahkan nasib anak anak aku dan harta bende aku. Maka peliharalah anak-anak aku dan bumbung tempat kami berteduh. Sesungguhnya kau lah maha Memelihara. Itu memang doa aku pagi pagi masa pandang muka maid aku tutupkan pagar masa aku start kereta nak pi kerja. Itulah doa aku yang akan dataang.

So, ape pendapat korang?

the labor story. the final labor story.

I owe you BIG.. The story of my labor. .Without induction. Without epidural the drug.
I am not against epidural. In fact I believe it is a wonderful creation kinda drug to calm down the moms which also means calming the baby. But one, I was itched to know how the real labor is and two, I want to eat my pain killer right away after the labor. Taking the epidural means you can only take something orally (food, water, anything) two hours after they have taken the epidural and the pain of the womb contracting AFTER Labor (they called it Rengat in Malay) is something that I couldn’t take, therefore having the epidural off means I could deal with the Rengat (hopefully) easily after the labor.
So I bled in the morning of Monday. Blood is always my show. I had it for both Azeuchry and Anna, and went into the labor room straight away. This time, I waited until late in the afternoon, until the Man finished his first day of bowling tournament organized by the Headquarters. (Two B I have hated : the Badminton and the Bowling). It is a big tournament, involving the five regions held biannual, so it is important for him, right, right, right? (Seperti biasa, akulah isteri yang memahami dan paling best di Dunia, uwek)
So we went in to the labor room in the late afternoon, stopped Dr Delaila from going home and asked her to poke me. It happened that it was only 1 cm. (it it always 1 cm when the blood come out, it was 1cm too for Anna and Azeuchry). I asked to go home, told her straight in the face that I am trying to do this one without being induced and without epidural. She nodded. Weird she didn’t give me that option during my first two. Kenapa ya.. mengingatkan aku pada grey’s anatomy where all surgeons are trying to defy the gravity, the rules of God. Haha..
So we went home, sempat lagi pergi singgah kedai perabot nak book new shoe rack menggantikan shoe rack aku yang dah tertonggeng, screamed happily seeing the kids faces and slept through the night hugging Anna and savoring the thick memory foam mattress feeling, knowing that my nights after that night will never be the same hahaks.
My first contraction started at around 12 midnight. Sharp pain behind and lenguh lenguh kaki. It was like once in one hour time. Mild. Manageable. Come subuh it was already once in 30 minutes. I remember to time myself and to breathe deeply everytime the contraction comes. ‘Facebook’ed asking around how exactly the contraction feels. Why mine hurting my back more than my tummy? And you will ask, “dan ini anak ketiga kau?” Haha..
Tried to sleep in between the contraction. It kinda went away around 10 in the morning. Then around noon, it was like once in twenty minutes. That it went quietly, nada, none, from 3 – 4. The Man was back, feverish, after two-days of bowling. He went to the clinic. At around 3, he called said that the clinic wanted to ward him for the fever might be dengue. He requested for iV Drip and that would take two hours. At around 5, my contraction is around 10 minutes duration. I was panicking between remembering to breathe deeply, to look at the watch to time myself and to recite some Zikr. He came back around 5:30, sempat lagi tu mengecheck emailnya kat PC nya, I was trying very hard to stay calm. HE went solat, and off to SJMC we went.
By the time I got into the car, at around 6:30, the contraction is around 8 – 10 minutes, at times it was 5 minutes per. He sped through the Sungai Besi tolls, and took NPE, just to be caught in the flowing traffic from kL going to kuchai lama and/or sungai besi town. It was 7 o’clock and I recited syahadah non stop, the pain somehow eased off when the Man was busy maneuvering the traffic. We were about 45 minutes stucked at the head of NPE.
We finally reached SJMC around 7:50 and a big contraction came in as I wanted to go out from the car. A lady offered the wheel chair but I don’t think sitting would help. Tried to walk calmly to the labor room at Fourth Floor while the Man went and parked the car. A guy asked whether I was okay in the lift and I said, holding on with a big smile to him. His wife might already be in the labor room. My eyes searched for a mid-wife, finding one, handed her over my appointment card and said, “every 5 minutes now”. She shoved me in, checked me out and said, ‘8 cm already’. No time for epidural. That was a relief.
Quickly told her that I was strep B positive before and got a shot of antibiotic. Was taught to use the gas mask. Doctor came to get the water broken and went out. Then the contraction frequency is uncounted. I inhaled the gas deeply everytime it came. It was not bad. I have been praying for a fast and easy labor, hoped so hard it was given to me. Then the doctor came. They asked me to push hard, this time without the gas, just to break the 9cm to10cm. Then I could feel the bulging feeling. Then another push, came out the head. I could not take any break anymore, since the bulging feeling is naturally force my body to push the baby out. The third and final push, the whole body came out and the bulging feeling is gone. (oh yea while I was still hoping it was a girl, the first thing that was flashed to me was his testis) There I was thanking God for the fast and relatively easy labor, the most importantly the baby was safe. The doctor asked me for the final push, which was not painful, to take the placenta out. The Man was asked to cut the cord, and finally, my baby boy was taken away from me, from a life hanging to mommy’s womb. My baby boy was free. And he was free safely.
While the Man snapped the baby’s picture away when the nurses cleaned him up and azan to his little crumpled ear, the doctor and my midwife was busy pushing lots of blood clots from my tummy. They squeezed my tummy hard, I could feel lumps of solid coming out. She finally stitched me and again, found out that the lumps keep coming out. Again they squeezed my tummy. When they took me down to my room, I found out that the lumps were still coming out heavily and again, the nurse squeezed and massaged my tummy downwards. At first I was like, sakit la you idiot, then I was like, get me my pain killer. Gulped down a big glass of Milo and then the two ponstan tablet. My ‘tumpah darah’ was not that bad, but told the Man, this is our final final. Period. Feverish body later that night. Compounded by the cold a/c, I had sleepless night.
The pead monitored the boy for three nights, since the Strep B virus might be giving him effect but it didn’t. Get him circumcised on Day 2. He started latching properly on Day 3. The Man was with me. The first night he was a hero, The second night he was whimpering and whinning in his sleep, the third night he went back home and finally I had a peaceful night. He came picking us up, got the bills and off to home!
The two kids back home were not allowed to the Hospital, so they were so happy seeing mom’s face. Azeuchry kept asking me about the new baby everytime I called home.
That was 25 days ago and mom finally regain the strength and faced the PC again. He was named on 14th Day. Adam Zulqarnain. The first man on earth and a leader’s name. the cord stump dropped at Day 17 and the ring over the little penis on Day 16. The Man bathed him and once he started working, I took over. It was awkward at first but I got the hang of it by Day 8 or 9 I think. Haha.

day 21

weight now 60 kg.

Weight before labor 72kg
Lost 10kg during labor i think

Weight week 1 : 62 kg

Day 12

day 12 and barulah boleh saya mengupdate blogku ini dengan news that baby adam zulkarnain is finally and safely delivered. Weight was 3.61 kg and i did it without epidural... Hahaha.. Alamak baby dah uk ak uk ak... Gotta go

41-week

Went for my ob/gyn check up last Friday when I was 39-w-1-d. She said the baby's head is not yet enganged (into the birth canal i assume) therefore if mom can carry without much difficulty, she'll wait until 41-week.

Wow.. 41 weeks. that'll mean about 3 months away from work.

I never did this without the feeling of guilt and sin.

But i did this, anyway!

Yay!

Gratitude

I am also grateful for those who have prayed for me and those who have given me the kindest words, those who have not shut me down and let me cry over things, those who listen.

Those who understands.

Those who are true friends.

Thanks.

Responsibility

As a blogger, i have the responsibility to update the blog whenever a problem is solved, so that readers won't feel that this blog is all about negativity, problems and cursing.

So, here it is.

The recent test result came out negative. I am a negative strep B virus now! Alhamdullilah praise to Allah the healer and the kindest.

After two more weeks waiting, the ob/gyn today confirmed that IT's ALL GONE! HOwever, for precaution, she'll put me on antibiotic treatment during labor. From what I read, I am still a carrier, it's just that the virus is temporarily fought off.

We also saw Anna's paed (which might be Little Adam/Ali paed as well or not) and was told that the baby might or might not get it. The Man shook his head and said, it didn't mean anything! We asked (this is actually a conversation outside an elevator, not really a consultation session in his room) whether he might want to treat the baby on IV drip of antibiotic, he said with a look like mulling over on whether clueless or telling the parents the truth, maybe yes or maybe not, depending on how the baby responded after it is delivered.

So there are more than one school of thoughts on how the virus is affecting the baby during labor. I can read on and research more, few doctors we met, specialist or not gave different opinion. An ob/gyn at newzealand said if the virus is found in the urine traces, it means that the population is bigger rather than if it is found in a vaginal swab. Which makes sense.

Conclusively, there is no standard treatment since the effect of the virus to the newborn varies.

HOwever, if 30% of the death of the newborn due to lung disorder is caused by this virus (well, gotta think, which site i found said this huh?) shouldn't this virus appearance in the medical world be much more significant than this? People in UK is signing petition urging the hospital to start testing preggy moms on this Virus. My ob/gyn is saying its airborne and its becoming much common now.What caused it to resurfaced in a Mom's body? Low immunity ? Stress level ?

Is it the same case as the virus causing chicken pox that resurface as Herpes Zoster whenever one's immunity is low due to stress level?

So many questions unanswered. Macam x Files lah pulookk..

Whatever the treatment is for my newborn, i believe that it will be born safely. I'm praying for the best, 24 hours monitoring and we can go home. Amin.

Do'a Mommy

Mommy doa semua anak mommy sihat.
Yang telah tengok dunia
Atau pun yang akan lihat dunia.

Mommy doa mommy ada kekuatan untuk bimbing semua
Untuk sayang semua
Untuk selalu ada

Mommy doa mommy selalu diperingatkan
Bahawa anak anak mommy yang wajib didahulukan
sekiranya mommy alpa

Mommy doa anak anak mommy selalu ada masa
untuk selalu bersama sama
suka atau airmata

Jadi sekiranya katil king sized bed ini terlalu kecik
untuk kita semua berhimpit
satu hari kita akan tidur atas lantai!

Jotting down here and there

Friday 23 Apr 2010
Yesterday, a phone call from my gynae's office totally drop a bomb on my whole sweet life.
Was it my stress level that cause me to be so immunely weak?
Why did i allow myself to be in the situation? Was I that irresponsible to my own unborn child?
I am on antibiotic treatment to kill the virus for 7 straight days.


Saturday 24 Apr 2010
Called a friend in GH and the response come blunt. C section might can avoid the virus from getting to the baby. I might opt for that. The treatment over GH of the Strep-B affected babies are five days on antibiotic treatment. I thought of the small little fingers curled in pain everytime the needles are poked into the tiny little body and broke down anc cried.
Then decided to do something else.
I spent yesterday focusing ‘out’, instead of ‘in’. Went to the florist just before my trip to the hospital and arranged for two nice flower bouquets for the birthday girls. Delivered on to Rohana secretly and met Edina for very late lunch after my hospital trip. Both girls were happy. I was happy making them happy. They texts of appreciation did made my day. I am done thinking of the IV needles. With all the drugs in the world, they will make him recovered and alive. God helps.
By night, I am done. Done crying. Done blaming. I recouped my strength and figured out that early labor and/or ruptured membrane and/or more stress is what i have to avoid now. Gone were the unfinished contract negotiations, rescheduling or worries about whether Q3 shipments are secured. My focus now is to get the unborn infant safely delivered. Which can’t happen now because ruptured membrane while the virus is still in my body is fatal to him.
Will talk to the bosses on Monday to take things slow. I also wrote down things that might have stressed me out, in a context of replying comments, but have not decided whether to send them out. Well, people can stress me out, but I am yet to decide whether I am to do the same. Remember that don’t do others what I don’t like them to do unto me. Who said that, anyway?

Monday 26 Apr 2010
Talked to both my boss and boss's boss about taking it easy at work. I want to take leave whenever I feel the body is not up to it. I gulped down and chewed my own words in from of them two. One looks like he wants to pass out, one looks convincingly confident that God will help.
Then texted the boss's boss's boss who was on leave and he replied that there is other thing other than work.
I cried.

Tuesday 27 Apr 2010
A few meetings got cancelled thus I spent the morning waking up late. Went for lunch meeting with the Lawyer and came back thinking of how can they get the negotiations done without my presence. Spent the whole afternoon tossing around that worry instead of sleeping. Agh.. I should have left it to the lawyers.
Worry, please go away.

Wednesday 28 April 2010
My 33rd birthday. And my third child’s fate is still unknown.. at least to me.
Spent the whole day negotiating contract with a supplier that I thought could be difficult. But he seemed to agree to our terms and conditions. I felt good eventhough the almost 5-hour meeting really drove me mad. Had a few contractions during the meeting. Baby please don’t come out so soon, at least until Mommy is well treated.
But it was my birthday and I deserve some treats, did I. Handsome husband ferried me to work, after shoving in a big bottle of perfume (notice: all parfums he gave always smell good) into my purse. He self deliver a bouquet of my favorite lilies to the office. He took me out for dinner, which he ate almost all the dinner since the baby is taking up all the space. He ended up with a great birthday card before we went to bed.
That was number one joy. Azeuchry also drew me a card and that is actually above the number one joy. He drew himself, Anna and the small baby he expected to love in a few days more to come. I shed tears looking at the small naked bald baby on the card.
Rohana came down early in the morning to give me books. Ida gave me a box of chocolate. A few others came to hug. We went out for breakfast. Sai delivered me a cheese cake, which is really a surprise!
It was a fruitful day, tiring but a contented one. By the time we walked out from the diner, the Man is practically dragging my feet to the car.
The moon was a beautiful one, anyway.

Thursday 29 April 2010 – the final day
Figured out that the meeting yesterday really took up my energy and decided to wake up late. Sent Azeuchry to school and continued napping until at least 10:30! Went to a meeting with customer and then spent the whole afternoon sitting down with team strategizing Q3. I let them take the lead and made decision. The boss’s boss came over to explain the job rotations on the team. I decided that this is the team that is the best to do the work. Threw them a KFC bucket for dinner before sorting out all the outstanding task. They stayed back until 10:00 and helped me carried two laptops, one flower bouquet, two kerepek packages and two books with sex as the title (haha) to my car.

Friday 30 April 2010
I know I needed good night sleep but that is what missing in my life for now. At least I am comforted to know that is not the worry that keep me awake, but rather then 7 or more kilos of weight on my tummy.
Went for my hospital trip again. The Man had his regional meeting so I went alone. Did the fetal heart rate and within 30 mins, there were two contractions. His heart rate is fine. Dozed off during the fetal heart rate test.
I was then stripped down waist and below for about 20 mins waiting for my gynae who had to run for a case. Tried to doze of but anticipation and the hard bed killed me. Saw the testis.
Talked further to my gynae on the strep B virus. Thought Azeuchry got one when his lung was infected the moment he was born but she said that was in 2004 when they have not had the procedure of Strep B test on the moms before delivery. Said that the virus is air borne (puzzled, why none of the website mentioned this) and because my immunity was low, I got them FOC! She said that it is becoming very common now.
I asked how many patients were completely treated before the labor and she said only three were not. I rather not ask what happen to those babies. She said not to worry that we still have time to get it treated. I asked whether C Section can prevent the virus from getting to the baby, she said yes it would but wait until I am cleared. (The website mentioned otherwise)
By the end of the meeting I went out abruptly without saying thanks, holding up my tears and rushed up to the restroom.
Waited for The Man who took me out for an Italian quick lunch. Drove back home alone.
Put the kids to sleep and Azeuchry was so thrilled when the baby moved and the big brother could feel the little one kicked his palm upwards! I told story about a big brother who had restless night spending time with a small little brother and a toddler sister, but still the big responsible brother played with them both fairly and put them to bed and did his homework after that.
Realized that if God wants to take any of my kids, He can just take them anytime, any how. Little Ali (my choice) or Little Adam (Azeuchry’s and his dad’s choice) is the most responsive one in mom’s tummy. If he is to go, I am grateful enough that God has given me those 9 months carrying him in mine, and two full months of kicking and twirling and responding to the brother’s lullaby and mom’s loud radio in the morning!
Decided to get all the accessories for the breast pump to prepare for Little Ali/Adam . He will be born and he will love both my boobs and how wonderful the milk taste.
The clock has passed 12:00. Happy Birthday darling Anna, mommy’s little princess.

I love you three.

Strep B

Group B Streptococcus



* Group B streptococcus, or group B strep, is a bacterium that causes life- threatening infections in newborns. Group B strep can also cause disease in pregnant women, the elderly, and adults with other illnesses.
* Many people carry group B strep bacteria in their bodies without developing infection or illness. However, the bacteria can become deadly to people with weakened immune systems.
* Pregnant women can transmit group B strep to their newborns at birth. Group B strep is the most common cause of blood infections and meningitis in newborns.
* Most cases of group B strep disease in newborns can be prevented by giving certain pregnant women antibiotics during labor.



What is group B streptococcus (group B strep)?

Group B streptococcus (group B strep) is a bacterium that causes life-threatening infections in newborn infants. Group B strep can also cause serious diseases in pregnant women, the elderly, and adults with other illnesses. The letter "B" refers to a classification of bacteria in the genus Streptococcus according to the makeup of the organism's cell wall.



What kinds of illnesses does group B strep cause?

In newborns, group B strep is the most common cause of sepsis (infection of the bloodstream) and meningitis (infection of the lining and fluid surrounding the brain) and a common cause of pneumonia. Group B strep disease in newborns usually occurs in the first week of life ("early- onset"). Babies can also get a slightly less serious "late-onset" form of group B strep disease that develops a week to a few months after birth.

In adults, group B strep usually causes no symptoms. However, in rare cases, it can lead to serious bloodstream infections, urinary tract infections, skin infections, and pneumonia, especially in people with weakened immune systems and other health problems, such as diabetes.



How do people get infected with group B strep?

Group B strep bacteria are different from many other types of bacteria that can cause disease. People can be "colonized" with group B strep. This means that they carry the bacteria in their bodies but are not infected and do not become sick. Adults can carry the bacteria in the gastrointestinal tract, genital tract, or urinary tract. About 10% to 30% of pregnant women are colonized with group B strep in the genital tract.

Colonization with group B strep is usually harmless. The bacteria can become deadly, though, if something happens that allows them to invade the bloodstream. In adults, weakened immunity resulting from cancer treatment or a chronic illness can prompt an infection. More often, pregnant women who carry the bacteria can unknowingly transmit group B strep to their newborns at birth. Newborns can acquire early-onset group B strep disease either before or during delivery. The cause of late-onset disease in babies is not well understood.



How is group B strep infection diagnosed?

Group B strep infection is diagnosed by a laboratory test of blood or spinal fluid.



Who is at risk for group B strep infection?

Adults with illnesses that weaken the immune system, such as diabetes or cancer, are at risk of infection with group B strep.

An infant born to a woman who is carrying the bacteria can also be at risk. Some pregnant women are at more risk than others of having a baby who develops group B strep disease. A pregnant woman is at high risk if she:

* Has already had a baby with group B strep infection
* Has a urinary tract infection caused by group B strep
* Becomes colonized with group B strep late in pregnancy
* Develops a fever during labor
* Has rupture of membranes 18 hours or more before delivery
* Begins labor or has rupture of membranes before 37 weeks ("preterm")



What complications can result from group B strep infection?

Group B strep infection is fatal in about 20% of infected men and non-pregnant women and about 5% to 15% of infected newborns. Babies who survive can be left with speech, hearing, and vision problems as well as mental retardation.



What is the treatment for group B strep infection?

Group B strep infections in both newborns and adults are usually treated with antibiotics given intravenously (through a vein).



How common is group B strep infection?

Group B strep causes disease in about 18,000 people in the United States each year. Of these, about 8,000 are newborns. Group B strep is the most common cause of blood infections and meningitis in newborns and is a frequent cause of newborn pneumonia.



Is group B strep infection an emerging infectious disease?

Yes. Since 1970, group B strep infection has become the leading bacterial infection causing illness and death in newborns in the United States. Cases in adults are also on the rise. The number of adult infections nearly doubled during the 1980s and continues to increase.



How can group B strep infection be prevented?

Most cases of group B strep infection in newborns can be prevented by giving certain pregnant women antibiotics during labor. Antibiotic treatment before labor does not prevent group B strep infection in newborns.

Any pregnant woman who has already had a baby with group B strep infection or who has a urinary tract infection caused by group B strep should be given antibiotics during labor. Pregnant women who are colonized with group B strep should be offered antibiotics at the time of labor or rupture of the membranes. Colonization with group B strep can be detected late in pregnancy (35-37 weeks' gestation) by a special test of secretions from the vagina and rectum.

Unfortunately, some babies still get group B strep infection despite testing and antibiotic treatment. Vaccines to prevent group B strep infection are being developed.



This fact sheet is for information only and is not meant to be used for self-diagnosis or as a substitute for consultation with a health-care provider. If you have any questions about the disease described above or think that you might have a bacterial infection, consult a health-care provider.

Update

1. I am on my 35th week? (Or so)
2. My maid is requesting for one month leave when I am on my 38th week. Great.
3. I finally get to watch Lipstick Jungle on Star World.
4. The Man has not finalized whether it is Adam or Ali or something else.
5. Blogging has hurt a few. I am lying low for a moment.
6. Some relationship is really a one-sided one. Sometimes it crosses over. At this hormone level, I can't afford another sleepless night. I left some messages unread. I need to survive in denial.
7. Tax is done. Great, hubby. I wonder where all my monies go. Highway? LRT?

Last Published Entry

Was on 18 Feb.

Almost two moons.

What's happening?

Work has taken over my days.
4kg weight on the tummy has taken over my nights.
Grumpy boss has taken over the glory morning.

I should..
shop more and spend more monies (i have excess every month! can you believe it?)
put on more color on my face

Gosh i can't wait to get out

Mistakes

From Neale Donald Walsch

On this day of your life, dear friend, I believe God wants you to know...
...that it is not necessary for you to report everyone's mistakes to them, much less to give them corrections.

It can be difficult, when you think you know a better way to door say something, to keep that to yourself. But try.
Unless someone's life or safety depends on it, do try.

You would not welcome someone else pointing out your own misstep, or less-than-totally-efficient approach to something. Why point it out to them? Do you see it as your duty in life to make sure that all goes the way you think it 'should'?

That would be an inaccurate assessment of your soul's grander purpose.

Great Quote

Came across this quote today, and think that is the quote I was looking for all these years.

"You are not responsible for what people think about you,
But you are responsible for what you give them to think about you"

The lesson is simple. You can’t control what people think but how you behave, how you talk and how you make decision are the major influence of how public perceived you.

(Disclaimer: Of course, when I write things, I am not preaching about certain of you guys or the public figures but rather on the collection of series of events that happened around me and how have I found myself been behaving/thinking/talking that major and/or minor improvisation can be done)

While I am a believer that each human is entitled to behave the one wants to behave, I also believe that each negative energy is like a drop of mud in a pail of water. The more you put it in, the more polluted the water will become. Installing positive energy is actually a hard practice, especially when you or rather I am allowing the people and events around me creating the negativity. Not that I can run out of the negatives, but I should be building a wall of constant filtering.

God

I have not given myself some time to mull over the current issue of the Court’s approval of a Catholic publication of using the word of Allah.

Two groups, the Christian and the Moslem have been fighting over on what is right and what is not.

The Moslem felt that their possession and their sole right of the word of Allah is being taken away.

The Christian felt that using the word Allah is just taking a word means God in Arabic to the English language.

Then the Moslem felt that if you want to take the word in Arabic, why Allah, why could you take ar-Rabb which means God? That the God has a name in Islam and the name is Allah. That the Moslems never take the world Jesus as the God’s name because Jesus is simply the name of a Prophet.

Some says it is a political agenda, that some big guns wants to be seen as the martyr of Islamic society in order to win more of Malay’s vote in the coming public election.

Some ponders on why a non Moslem was chosen to judge the proceeding.

Many compares the situation over the Peninsular of Malaysia and the Indonesia and East Malaysia’s Christian teaching where the word of Allah has been used in replacement of God.

Let me type over the implications of the new ruling. You may see these sentences in the Christian publications:
As Jesus as my Allah, …
As Allah exist in the Holy spirit, ….

Those two sentences as above are enough to stir the Malay particularly and the Moslem at large.

And you may see these sentences in the Moslem publications:
The Jesus a.s. was born in Nazareth and had promised that the final prophet i.e. Muhammad p.b.u.h shall be born later.

The sentence as above is not going to stir the Christian since they believe that Jesus is actually the God and they denied the existence and prophecy of Muhammad p.b.u.h.

One ethnic group is stirred and another one is not.

Question is, why is the Moslem stirred?

As a child born in a Moslem society, I was raised to think that Green is my color, Half Moon is my symbol. Therefore when the bad monster or alien is colored in green in any of the cartoon, I was given the impression that the colorist is trying to make the people think bad of the Green consequently to think bad of Islam. In some cases, I heard, the rural areas kids were forbidden to speak English because their parents thought that proficiency in English shall ensure the kids to read the Bible and hence, could get themselves converted easily.

There was I, a Moslem child, heavily protected.

I was taught how to pray 5 times a day, how to fast and read the Quran using the Arabic language. But nobody spoke of me about the syahadah and what it means. I recited the 3-Quls before I went to bed but wasn’t explained about what it meant by the God has no mother, has no son. Explanation was never given to me.

Because explanation will rouse curiosity and for a 7-year old, the curiosity is thought to endangering her belief.

Just when I had my first roommate who is Christian, then I understand that why the Quran repeatedly explained about the onenesss of Allah, that God has no Mother nor Son, he was not born from someone and neither gave birth to someone. You see, I understand a lot more about my God, my Quran and my own religion from other people’s religion’s point of view.

From her copy of Bible, I then understood the concept of Trinity. Really, when I was small, I tough the trinity concept is the statue by the Hindu of one man and three heads. I never thought it is a fraction of my own Religion’s history.

So why wasn’t I briefed about the concept of Christianity since I was small eventhough it was clearly repeated in the Quran? Why was I forbidden from asking question about what are the differences of Nasara and the Jewish? Was it because people don’t have enough explanation? Was it because the topic was a taboo to me? If it has no explanation and if it indeed is a taboo, why was it mentioned in the Quran?

Was I too small to understand?

Why my brain capacity and faith was was underestimated?

Back to topic that stir the nation. I don’t want to write about what is wrong and what is not. You place these two ethnics in the different country, the different outcome will arise. But I do know what is wrong. Wrong is when I heavily protect my kids from all the taboo. By not educating them about the differences of all the other faiths, I expose them to the possibility of their aqidah (faith) to the oneness of God being shaken. They must start young. They must learn about their God from their Book i.e the Holy Quran, not from someone else’s. They must not be confused of who is God and what is the name of their God.

Wrong is when I refuse to answer all their questions and instead, turn away and said, ‘Tak baik Tanya soalan macam tu’ (it’s not nice for you to question that issue).

I will not protect my kids. Their defence system gotta be built from young. They have to be exposed of the existence of other gods in the world, the existence of other faith, other beliefs. From then on, if I die, and if they are forced to live in an environment where there’s nobody to protect them, they can stand on their own and tell them repeatedly, ‘There’s no God but Allah, and he is the only God, and he is neither Mothered nor Mothering, and Muhammad is the Messenger’.

In this country where the politicians play their games out publicly, the kids' defence system is the only way out.

Welcoming 2010. (i need to freshen up)

I am dragging and wrangling my feet over the 1st Jan 2010. And it is already 2nd January. Unlike last New Year, I was very optimistic and ready-to-go, listing things I want to further achieve and listing , proudly, things I have achieved.

Things in 2009 were not that smooth. Well, let’s review so that I can quickly shake off every fatigue satan (yeah yeah great, blame the horny guy) is trying to pour into my brain.

Achievement No. q (and frustration)
I managed to supplement Anna with the best food in the world, the breast milk. Well, I didn’t get to achieve the target of two-year since I was found preggy when she was just over 1 year. Resources have been said that it was okay to still breastfeed the baby when one is preggy but I couldn’t stand the sleep-deprived nights. Mornings during my first semesters were painful, eyes were groggy and I couldn’t concentrate while driving at 6:30 a.m. through the Sungai Besi Highway. That was dangerous and provided me a very valid reason to decide to stop. We weaned her off and she quickly adjusted within three nights. I shed tears. Felt nothing but helpless. How I wish that I could easily take the morning off and left work…

Achievement No. 2 (and further frustration)
I managed to get all the unfinished contracts signed. Well, I didn’t work fast enough to get the approval of my boss. He haunted me, literally, sweeping off all the other mistakes I did into this one big bundle and carried the big sack on his back. He was like a big ferocious bear, ready to sink in his tooth and claws into my flesh everytime I tried to open my mouth on all things. Firstly, I felt that he was just disappointed that I didn’t turn out to be what he expected to be, that is to be him. He was disappointed that I wasn’t careful enough and kept making all the mistakes. I then was disappointed because I felt that I was never good enough to be the ‘child’ that he longed/dreamed of creating. He was disappointed in me. I was disappointed in myself.
I was done giving excuses, mostly to myself. I was done thinking that why should I be blamed in being late finishing other people’s job?
People around me gave opinion on the situation. Some said I was already compensated by him giving me the promotion about 1.5 years ago. Some said I was not to be blamed, that he is a changed man. Some said why should I be blamed on all the mistakes that occur, that is my better-paid Senior Manager or General Manager that should be standing up to the mistakes. But what one tiny boy said to me while I was talking to his dad shook me off, “Kenapa mommy selalu kena marah dekat work mommy?”.
That was it. My son ended it.
Towards the year-end, I was done being disappointing of myself. I got praised by other department’s head, other company’s head but not by the man who groomed me for the past 9 years. I was over it. I was over living a life trying to meet his expectation. Perhaps he groomed a wrong person. Perhaps I was not destined to be him, to think like him, to make decision like his.

So far those are the only two achievements in 2009.

Other than that,

I paused. Taking a pee break.

Oh yeah.. how could I forget that my performance score was slashed down, coming down to one band down. A guy friend caculated the amount of bonus (I mean monetarily) I should be getting before and after the moderation. It is near to RM2k, people. It was mean. It was meaner if you know the reason I was moderated down.
The system is beautiful, you got praised by your immediate manager (who knows how you work and how you clean up for all the unfinished business he did). But the bell curve kills it all. The moderation in my department was done without the existence of my immediate manager.
One department was only allowed to have about 2 people having an outstanding score and of around 2 people to have a very bad score. The rest of us should be standing in between. Apparently my department had too many high scorer and 2 non-performers. The department decided that the 2 non performers should be given a chance since they have not been getting the promotion in 5 to 8 years time. (yeah. we are caring people). Therefore, their scores were raised. And to compensate, to make sure that the bell curve is maintained, to make sure that my No. 1 doesn’t have to do much defending when facing the division’s elimination, the high performers were reduced to only a few. And I faced the music.
And do you know who were the average ( I tak sampai hati nak tulis low or non) performers whose score were raised? The people who can easily call the office taking the day off due to medical condition or emergency reason, people whose punch card you will not see full in the whole week, people who left the immediate manager finishing up the jobs they left on the tables. And the person who risk the health of the baby in her womb by gulping down a whole mug of coffee every morning just so that she can drive at 6:40 through sungai besi highway is the one who has to sacrifice for these people.
The RM2K is not the only reason I was pissed. I also found out that by being moderated, I missed out the boat of getting promoted through the faster lane. That it will take 2 more years for me to achieve a RM6.5k salary. A friend switched job and he got an immediate increment of Rm2k salary. Me? I was here and still here and gained my pathetic 4% increment every year.

Yes, when I want to talk about numbers, I WILL talk about the numbers.

When one loses the drive to excel due to lack of pat at the back, it’s only the monetary rewards that one looks for.

I am now not ashamed to say that I do look out for money. That money is what my children need to survive after high school. That money is what I believe I need to get my parents happier.

Money takes over loyalty.

Loyalty to the department I believed was rewarding me in the correct way. Loyalty to the man who groomed me to be the person I am today. Loyalty to the company whom I believed was fighting for the benefit of the good outlook of the economy.

Other than that, 2009 is a year of:
I didn’t get to watch a full season of any series.
Very few blog entries.
Sleep deprived nights.
I didn’t get to read a book (chic lit nor autobiography) a week. I hardly do a book a month.
Spending my own money (berhutang pulak tu) to buy a notebook on my own to do office work both at home and at WORK.
Giving away my desktop to my clerk so that he can work faster.
Avoiding mom talking about her depression.
Defending the choice of sending Azeuchry to the kindy that teaches him solat rather than SmartReader with the Man’s mom.
Going to bed at 9:30 every nights or the children will wake up looking out for mommy.

And also, 2009 is a year of:
Learning how the unit trust works and how can I achieve the target sets for my children’s education fund easier and safer.
Taking mom and dad to shop at Bandung.
Realizing that protection cum investment is slow.
Discovering that doggy is the best position. (yeah that is the best finding of the year)
Founding my skill in baking (and burning) and world of buttercream.
Knowing that my husband looks so much handsome compared to my high school sweetheart or my childhood crush. Not bad eh si sepet yang aku kawin ni.

So I do have some positive things with 2009. Pretty impressive.

My wish for 2010:
I wish that Anna will stop waking up crying two times in a night due to bad dreams.
I wish that Azuechry throws very few tantrums and eats well.
I wish that Azuechry recovers from his asthma forever.
I wish my sinuses problem go away.
I wish that my ammonia-spewed down under stops doing the gross thing every time I sneeze.
I wish that mom and dad are healthy so that I can send them to Perth by August. Make it March.
I wish that I could have a little bit more energy so that I can get up and blog or surf after the kids doze off. (like tonight. tonight is like one of the 6 nights in the past 12 months that I can stay up until 12:00)
I wish I could live without coffee.

My plan for 2010:
1.Must spend everynight with Azeuchry doing homework or Kumon workbook to prove to Man’s mom that I can make my son reads before he starts Primary 1.
2.Must breastfeed the newest member of the family exclusively for her first 6 months. Targetting 2 years before weaning her off.
3.Train the new executives well to take up my job (so that I can go on maternity leave peacefully and perhaps look out for a new job after that)
4.Work as an average person and go back everyday at 5:15 sharp. Make sure that my average target of performance score is met. I am not targeting the highest score anymore knowing I will be slashed down later.
5.Completing my resume and submit it to at least three online job seeking website.
6.Ignore the whining colleagues.
7.Stop bickering about the bosses. I have formed my opinion, learned a tough lesson and its time to shut up and move on (my way).
8.Start baking as soon as the nausea goes away.
9.Lose weight after the pregnancy, like I did after I had Anna.
10. Keep hair longer.

Welcome 2010. I shall start slow this year, professionally.
Personally, it’s gonna be a great year of losing prenatal weight and looking hotter in a new bod and new hair!