WHO STOLE MY VOICE?

Flu is gone, so does my voice...!! Can't even utter a word... i was practically whispering to people all day long.

Finished up the whole day posting to ERMS at Menara Telekom. Might have to forego today's Iftar at PJ Hilton. Plus, been there like twice this month and I got nothing to talk about to people, basically (since I got no voice!). Glad that is the last Iftar invitation for the month.. shoot, got another this Friday! Aggh... I just can die from all these food.  I think I'd like to settle for a bowl of Maggi quietly with dear husband. And all the suppliers are taking the opportunity to 'appreciate' us by these Iftars.

So that was yesterday's blog got unsent.

Yesterday's suppliers' invitation was turned down by a merely very very short SMS. They gave me a call, but how do you expect me to talk on the phone voiceless? Can't expect them to turn the mute button off my lips! Dear husband dragged me to the clinic again, asked the doctor to drug me with a stronger antibiotic course. The infection has gone down to the voice-box, poor Azam Zirky waiting for mommy to say "Smart boy!" everytime he does that so-clever-thing knocking on the car's window. After the clinic, we went to SS17 Pasar Ramadan which is much much better spread than Sunway's pasar Ramadan. Price, however, is more shocking. One kuih is 50cents. I took rice, one piece of chicken and vege, that cost me RM4.50. Hello, that's not like  a Pasar Ramadan's pricing at all!! But, credit goes to the sellers, all the kuih are sedap and the lauk are tasty as well.

I got a Medical Cert for today, but a tender was closed yesterday and the paper is due to be done today. Will get that paper circulated to the Committee and by Friday, I'll get all the signatures in. Ta-daa!

Oh God! The lost voice is really killing me. Got a few friends I gotta call, since their Raya cards will not get sent until Raya but how do I talk? Would like to settle for SMSes but it will sound so ordinary. Don't friends get special calls from each other?

Better work on the tender paper now. Will blog again this afternoon, this mute world of mine has inspired me to experience things that I don't normally get to. Was given a stretch to go shopping and lemme see how do I bargain for stuffs at the shop! In case you, readers don't hear from me until the Eid, Selamat Hari Raya Eid'l Mubarak, drive safely and I hope the Pakistanis will get the blankets and roofs they need by the Eid.

The New Baby in Town!

Have I written about Hamdan, my brother?

Him and the wife are expecting soon. They have been going for check ups
and the baby just refused to show what's in between the legs. On Friday,
we went for Raya shopping and I thought of buying some girls clothing
for the baby (thinking so hard it'll be a girl) but gave them a rang
before buying anything-oh-so-pretty. (just thought I'd check for the
last time). They told that they have seen the little birdie! :( and the
poor mak long just then bought a stroller for Azam Zikry's coming cousin.

Nevertheless, Mak Long is as much as happy as she was before

Fever Fever!

Am now at In Law's house. Yesterday's fever was so bad. I was practically dragging my feet to Menara Telekom to complete the ERMS conversion and October plus September postings. Much coordination were needed since all the jobs need different password. However, how lucky Ida and I were, both the managers given us their password and we happily tested the system using theirs.

Back to my fever, coming back from Menara Telekom, Azmady and I went to the Tailor to pick up our oh-so-red Baju Raya! Azam Zikry's was a bit big, so we got her redid his pants. While waiting the adjustment, I laid down on her clean carpet, took some pillows and tried to catch some sleep. Body was feeling a mixture of cold and warm, bones feel like exploding and eyes were so watery.

Azmady then drove straight to the Doctor's at SS17 and we waited for about 1/2 hour for our turn. Then we drove home and he practically pengsan already in bed. I munched some chocolate biscotti and swallowed a big gulp of pills before putting on sweater and jumped in the bed, covering myself with the comforter (at 3:00 noon, bear you!). An hour and half or so later, I woke up sweating, feeling a lot fine. He picked up the angel from the baby sittet's, then drove straight to Bangi. I caught an early night sleep with Azmady being so much of a darling, put Azam Zikry to bed hours later.

Woke up around 3 a.m. and stared at Azam Zikry sweet face, tidur terkangkang, in between us. Felt like kissing him but the thought of the bacteria in my nose being transferred back to him prevented. Stroked his little hairs instead. When I got up to go to the bathroom, he suddenly woke up and cried, practically crawling looking for me. Poor dreamy Daddy gotta calm him down before Mommy finished off changing in the bathroom. Azam Zikry then opted to sleep on Mommy's tummy until this morning.

Hey that KWSP money is in! Surprisingly fast! We did less than two weeks. Alhamdullilah, now can get the money transferred into ASB, collecting some dividends before the new house is ready and we can splurged on furnishing!

Pak Lah's story has been three days in a row making front page. Poor old man, nak pergi baca tahlil at Wife's grave pun jadi headline. Apa nak buat, he and the whole family had opted to become part of the public.

Okay gotta go!

The Day The First Lady Passed Away

The Day The First Lady Passed Away

 

It was still a raining and cold day. (which for me a sneezy and itchy nose day, too). Somebody from work heard from the radio that she passed away after the long battle with cancer. At night, we watched the rerun of the funeral, how Pak Lah and the kids look so calm. I didn’t expect them to cry unnecessarily at the funeral, not because they are public figures and they have to put up good faces in front of the live camera, but because I know, they have expected her to go. I’m not surprised they don’t look so terribly sad. But I know, they will be, coming Hari Raya two weeks later.

 

There was a sharp pain my tummy when I saw the funeral on tv. It reminds me the cancer battle that late Along faced. While she fought her own battle, we, the people around her, fought our own, of knowing that it is a battle one can hardly survive.

 

Cancer has always been instrumental to me. When a good of girlfriend of mine knew her brother had one, I cried to sleep. I know her and the whole family will be going through the same thing mine had. How terrified we were at the moment we discovered. Then we wondered whether it was Stage 2 or 4. We remember the feeling of uncomfortable and impatience we are outside the operating theatre for the surgical to remove the whole lump, how they fasted 24 hours before the surgery.  How weak they are after going on chemotherapy. (Oh I never forget how much do I hate the chemo word!) How we cried silently whenever we tried to feed them after the chemo and they threw up. The enormous numbers of pills doctor tried to shove into their dry mouth.  We remember trying to be strong when they asked for water to wuduk and how difficult they were trying to perform solah while lying on the hospital bed.

 

We went through the days making their bed and found the strings of hair, falling from their head, on the pillow. We cried, quickly wiping our tears off whenever someone else walked into the room.

 

Then they got better. They always got better. Still the pills are like the pebbles at the shore. We went thru the days convincing ourselves that we are not losing them, that they could see we graduating, getting married, that they could see our babies being born and learn to walk. We prayed to The Almighty One that He will spare their lives until we had proved we had done enough for them and shown them how much they meant to us.

 

The day will then come, when their cells lose their own battle to the cancer. It’ll start with the normal fever, untreated coughs, then by the time you know it, they have trouble walking. We know the day had came, we just don’t know how long more they will endure their pain. Then we had our own time, praying to The Almighty One on taking their lives as fast as He could, since we can no longer bear seeing them in bed. We cried listening to ourselves talking that out loud.

 

For my Along during her second wave, was told that she might be diabetic. She came home from the clinic, announcing that she will no longer take rice, sweet foods. We smiled, knowing that it’s not diabetes, it’s just the cells now taking charge of her kidney. Then it came worse, so quick, then the next doctor meeting, he silently told us to feed her anything that she likes. I remember we made a very sweet agar-agar but soft and fed into her mouth. She was surprised, we know, that we fed her something that she vowed not to eat, but she shoved the agar-agar down her throat anyway, putting up a fake smile. The second wave was actually much much worse than the chemo, because we know it is the time. Still we tried to find cure to this Mr Cancer. We thought the traditional way might work, we prayed so hard at nights, we tried alternative healing but at the end, we just couldn’t bear putting them on the false hopes anymore.

 

We read Quran when they went to sleep, checking them every now and then between the pages. People then start to come to see her, thinking that they might want to see her for the last time. We just hate those who come and sit by her bed, trying to make she talk. We just prayed those would leave for she needed the rest. We remember walking into their room at nights, checking up whether the chests are still moving up and down, showing life signs, every two hours. We just clutched our own hands when we see how they are cleaned up, for they can no longer go to the loo. We read papers to them, telling them the daily happenings of the country, for they can no longer focus on the small printings of the dailies. We massaged their back softly when they softly cried of the back pain (of lying down so much). It hurt to know that they are in pain, but they just couldn’t locate exactly where the pain are, and we feel so terribly HELPLESS.

 

When they go, they always go peacefully. People said that the sins are washed away by the long pain they have endured. We calmed ourselves, saying that it is the best, they can no longer endure any more pain. We thanked those who came to the funeral, eventhough we can hardly match the names with the faces.

 

But coming home, we broke into tears seeing the empty room, the place where we sit to read them papers. The pills bottles, half are empty. We can still smell them as we stiffed thru the blanket and the pillows. And we just don’t want to get the room cleaned up and re-organized, for we thought we are still waiting them to come home from their regular check up at the doctor’s.

 

They fought their own battle, and we always had our own. I would say they won their battle, went peacefully, to their Creator. We? We thought we are cool, until another person we know goes. And our own battle story flashed into our grieving mind.

 

Al Fatihah to Along, to Mohd Ali Ikram* and to Datin Seri Endon. These are the real heroes, my real heroes.

 

*This is not the actual name of his. It’s just the way he liked to write during his childhood.

A Different Kinda Cold

It's been quite cold lately. My a/c was 24C but still I woke up
sneezing. Azam Zikry's ears felt cold in the middle of the night. Feet
and body, I can cover but his ears? Would look weird if my son went to
bed with that big ears cover eh....

Azmady has been doing all the housechores for two nights in the rows.
Thank you, darling. The plumber came last week to fix the piping which
has leaked that caused our water bill RM360 last month compared to the
normal RM5, RM7 or at most, RM10. When the plumber is gone, the water
supply to our area was cut somehow (due to some water work) then we
couldn't test whether the piping was okay. Night after then only we
realize that the main tank lever was having problem adjusting itself.
Water poured down to the main bathroom and we gotta shut the main valve
off (which affects the kitchen sink and we are forced to leave all the
dishes unwashed!) Now we gotta wait for the nominated plumber to come
back again this week. And the ever so co-operative landlord doesn't want
any other but his nominated plumber. Can imagine how messy my kitchen is?!

On top of that, Azmady got one parking ticket. Gotta spend some time
looking for Postal Order to pay the ticket.

And oh ya.. that microwave of mine chooses no other time but now to
refuse servicing us. Then the rice is cooked stove top, which kerak
gotta be washed thoroughly at the kitchen sink, which water supply gotta
be turn on at the main valve outside the house, which rain will happily
get yourself a shower if you go out!

Aggh! I just feel like refusing to breath for a few days until all the
problems are solved. Until Azam Zikry's temperature rising few nights in
a row. Poor baby! With the buka puasa invitation almost every other day,
I juggle between choosing which supplier to go to and getting Azam Zikry
to bed early. He now sleep with head on my left arm, twitching everytime
I tried to move. The twitching then will be shortly replaced by long sob
and I technically have to wake him up, telling him that I was there all
night long with him. Mommy then gotta doze off hugging him, occasionally
trying to hide Mommy's face between the pillow whenever Mommy wanna sneeze.

Thank God the goody goody husband was there to clean up the kitchen and
putting the clothes into the washing machine.

On a happy note, weight now is 55kg! It means BIG improvement for a five
weeks puasa in a row (remember that I started fasting before 1st Ramadan
to make up the last year's confinement).

At least there's something to be happy with.

(Felt like it is the hormone talking! Due for the time of the month
anytime soon)

NOTIFICATION

Five days had been without blogging.

Puasa, alhamdullillah, went well. Weight, however, refused to go down further from the 57kg. I had achieved 3kgs before , as the result of two weeks puasa (without sahur). Could it be the sahur that prevented the scale from moving further down?

Have poured my energy on presenting the basket price for the other department to view. Getting tired of being questioned on transparencies. When people move forward with their own perception (and what they want to hear), I can't do much of explaining. Tired, of being questioned on how do I get certain stuffs written on my spreadsheet. You had doubts in my calculation, you questioned the accuracy of my figures, you demand the calculations to be copied to your thumb drive! You might as well do the job, wahai audience yang bijaksana. And this audience (except for one or two whose work I really really appreciate) never really wanna try reading the contracts and understanding the business. Some (most) of them can't even see the connection between energy, weight and $$$. My head could almost blow up!

Above all, what pissed me off is my own boss questioning the accuracy of my formula in front of these so clever people! The old brain seems to forgetting the session where we presented to him before we present to these people. The old brain with the old body had also chosen to come to the meeting with such emotion in his soul.

Whatever!

Yesterday e-conversation-of-the-day.

Her: I was the one who put the service up to your area.

Other Her: Hey gheeezzzzz, thanks a lot!

Her: Yes, it was a tough work (the vendors are not cooperating, sun won't shine, wires were cluttered, snow came down in Florida, the whole China were in black out, Rafidah cried for the seventh time, bla bla bla) and I did it anyway.

Me: Hey her, you seemed so proud of your work. I'm very honored to have a friend like you (who has the sense of pride of what she's doing). Being proud of your work make you getting up from bed with high enthusiasm and good spirit, be ready to go thru the jam to work and contribute to community!

Her: Of course I'm proud.

Me: (hey ask about my work! ask about my work! I got something to be proud of too!)

Her: It's my work and I did it.

Me: (ask me! ask me!)

Her: I'm very proud of myself.

Me: (gave up telling the so-called-best-of-friends the sense of pride over work which I sometimes find crappy) Anyeone else who has the same kinda sense of pride? (at least I ask the others!)

Other Her2: Yes, I did.

Other Her3: Not really, being unappreciated sucks.

Her: (quiet)

All: (quiet, matter is closed)

Me: (quiet too, my work is too big to be announced over the net for these so-called best-friends, consoling myself)

Her: (probably, my work is the biggest of you all)

Me: (quiet, feeling that she must be feeling that the other's jobs are too little to ask for, ye lah, siapalah kitorang ni, tak de le sebesar engkau sangat contribution to the community, to the nation, to the world)

Me: (that's it, out of my chest! lega)

Me: (teruk ke aku kutuk kawan sendiri?)

Wow! That Kacip Fatimah coffee really does work! I 've been up since 4:30, took the cuppa around 5:00 and can't sleep until 6:30. Great thing though, been missing Solat Subuh on time since Ramadan started.

Yes, the Ramadan is here! Azmady and I talked about how we forget the feelings of buka puasa and sahur together since it has been two years we didn't do that together,alone, just two of us, in our own house, with our own cooking and drinks. Last year, he spent Ramadan alone over mama's place while I was at my mak's, confining myself to the newborn Azam Zikry.

Talking about the little cookie monster, he is already one!! My god, how time flies. His birthday makan-makan was a success (was about to type GREAT success, but throw the word away remembering the little fight almost happened between me and dear hubby just before the little party). Kak Endon and family were there, Kamarul dropped by with Ida, Mama and Papa came with roti jala and chicken curry (which turned out to be the main dish for the night, thanks Ma!), Charlie drove all the way from work thru the Federal Highway Ever-Well-Known Jam and went and bought some additional mee goreng, Rohana and John were there too. I felt so proud with Azam Zikry when he pointed at RJ whenever we asked, "Where's RJ?" infront of Rohana and John. (RJ is that big bear Rohana and John gave during his zeroth birthday. One his first birthday, they gave him a 'cat from the bag with very big eyes'. Hmm Rohana, time to start thinking that AZ is really a boy and stop giving him girls' stuffs! hahaha)

Azam Zikry, however, despite the four days of birthday song training, was not smiling nor clipping nor the eyes were sparkling when the real song was sung on the real blow-the-candle moment. (He however, splashed the cake with his little palm, like what I wrote, silly mommy for sourcing) His face was sour almost all the time, with very little dancing (or shall I say butt moving) with PlayHouseDisneyChannel(PHDC) being played. Could be that he was mad at me for not turning up at 6:30 as usual to pick him up? (He instead came home together with Kak Endon at 7:45). When everybody has gone back, and then only he started grinning and clapping. Hmmm....

Ten minutes to 7 and I better wake the husband up!

Points to ponder.

Have you ever had this so much respect and admiration on somebody who could be so efficient and/or so smart and/or passionate about his/her work that you are overwhelmed of that much respect and admire until you don't know what you are truly feeling for him/her? You can't define what you're feeling but you find yourself constantly thinking of that somebody, whether you have seen him/her today or what that somebody will do if he/she is in your shoes? You start feeling kinda a weird thing going in your system and you still find the way the define the damn feeling. Is it respect? Is it GREAT admiration? Is it a crush or is it love?? (Yes, darlings, the big L)

When your mind has crossed the thought of that big L thing, then you start feeling guilty for she/he is already married with two kids, and you are dating the greatest woman/man on earth and she/he could be your boss/co-worker whom trust you so much/subordinates or WORSE she/he could be dating one of your greatest and closest bestfriend. Then you started having him/her as the main character in your dreams that left you feeling guilty everytime you woke up. After that, you started thinking on what IF you and her/him met earlier before you guys are involved in anybody else. Then, for the whole night, you kept staring at your partner's sweet soft face in bed, feeling guilty of what you are feeling towards that somebody else. You shook your head (hard) and tried to pull yourself together.

Then you start to ponder, whether you are gay to be feeling that kind of thing towards the same gender? (laughing hysterically!)

Still you peep thru your window to see whethe she/he is in the office today!

happy birthday to me

My name is Azam Zikry. Yes I know how handsome my name sound like, wait
until you see my face!

Mommy said that I'll turn one tomorrow. I don't know what does that
mean, guess it means one more tooth is coming out. Or could it mean that
I have more things to eat other than carrot + chicken porridge!

Mommy said turning one is such a big event. I can eat fish by the time
I'm one. The ever handsome Dr. Shanjay has been telling mommy to hold on
feeding me fish until I turn one or else my eczema will be worse. I
don't what's that too, but I guess it got something to do with the itchy
spots I have underneath my chin, my knee and my ankle if mommy stop
applying that sticky Eucerin! Mommy please don't forget to apply that
Eucerin, I know I look uneasy everytime you apply that on me but I am
MUCH MORE uneasy when the itchiness start kicking in!

However, mommy has been cuckoo these days. She has been singing "Happy
Birthday To You" for the last four days! She made daddy sang that too. I
don't know what that means either but the song did made me happy. It
feels so personal compared to the Twinkle-Twinkle Little Star, Old
MacDonald's or Rock-a-Bye Baby. Mommy said my eyes sparkle everytime I
heard the song sung. I clapped at the end of the song (each time she
sang to me) and grin so wide that my lips can be extended up to my ears.
Now she asked me to practice blowing candle at the end of the song. It
goes like this, make an O out of your lips, take deep breath and let the
air out heavily!! I don't know how to do that but I guess it will make
the small fire at the tip of the candle go away. Then I'll just use my
hand tomorrow to shoosh the fire away. Just kiddin! (or else I'd love to
see them scrreaaam when I do that! then I can easily put up my crying
act tomorrow to get that big hugs and kisses)

Daddy just weigh me yesterday and he said that I still weigh the same
8.5 kg. Daddy looked worried, turning one and still weigh the same for
the past two months might not look good for him. But hey daddy, I've
used all the calories to walk like a robot and crawl like spider when
mommy wanna tickle me! Later, I'll use more calories to run up and down
the staircase. Don't you worry, Daddy, I'll be just fine. You should be
worrying since you have put up some more kgs at a much faster rate these
few weeks!

Lemme tell me about the staircase over my house. It is made of wood, it
made sound everytime I patted my little palms (they are not so little
anymore, excuse me). I love the sound so much and I enjoy making them
even more. Sometimes the staircase is there, sometimes it's not, I don't
know how it happened, it just didn't appear to be there. Weird, isn't
it? The other day I heard mommy asked daddy to remove the chairs
blocking the staircase so that he can move in between the chairs. I
guess the chairs are the two big things which took the view of the first
step of the staircase. Yesterday, when they got busy mopping the floor
(after all the hard work I've done swiping the dust with my palms and
putting them into my mouth!), the chairs were somehow removed and
taa-daa.. the staircase was wide open for me to climb. When I was about
to fnished the 12th step, I heard mommy shouted my name, looking for me.
Here I am mommy, waved myself with one hand and one more palm on the
wooden step. (the kinda triangular one that MakSu Mariah had twice fell
from) She came running and swooped me out, giving me a big hug and few
kisses planted on my cheek! I 'd just love that!

Anyway, I'm sure the two big chairs won't be there anymore and I am free
to climb the stair whenever I can tomorrow. Mommy and Daddy are having
Kak Endon's family coming over for dinner tomororw and they'll surely
need the chairs! I love Kak Endon and the whole family, they take VERY
VERY good care of me whenever mommy and daddy go to work. The kakaks and
abang love playing with me. I heard Tuk and Tuk Wan will come over too.
And I heard Daddy talked to Mommy about getting a cake on the way back
home. I guess a cake is something for me to splash splash my little
palms on, and smashed my face and so-little-hair on my heads with while
they sing that so special Birthday song!

I just can't wait for tomorrow, where I'll turn one, whatever it means!