The Down Days

Sometimes, you have a one sided friendship. You tend to hear, to listen to The Other Person (TOP) rambling and yours went unheard. In another relationship, you are the one who talk more and the other one listens.

I guess that’s pretty much depending on who you are. If you are a strong character, you’ll tend to talk, and dictate, and powerfully bash people down, especially people with soft character.

How do I define myself? Yes, I am the attention seeker. I created drama to get attention from my closed ones. I unshyfully (such word exist?) approach stranger. I could stop in a middle of road to ask direction.

But when it comes to a dictating person, I surrender. I retreated myself further and just sat there being bashed.

A few occasions went by and somehow, I suddenly feel that I am a soft snake that requires recoil. But when I recoil, I recoil in anger.

The thing with Clipperseep is, she can’t talk properly when anger kicks. She was an angry teenager. She had hells being an angry person. She pushed a friend’s pride when that friend angered her. It costs not much, but quite a handful bitter experience. So Clipperseep stays low and far from being mad.

So there I was, absorbing the following impressions:
1. That I am not to my normal par. That the kids’ sicknesses deter my performance.
2. That my team lack of intelligence, wisdom and decisiveness is unbearably costing the company heaps of opportunity losses.
3. That my two mis-quoted wrong laycan dates given to a wrong contract is a sign of my weakness and my brain illness. That my effort of admitting my mistake got bashed more.
4. That my highly respected boss is sharing all the wrong things I did under the sky and whining about it endlessly and that is the ultimate to his stress.

Anyway, that was me. I extended the impressions I have further in my brain and kicked my butt harder to the conclusion that I am not that worth to be here.

While I am absorbing that all the facts could be true, I did try to recoil and things become ugly.

Defensive is not even a choice. Absorptive is.

Perhaps I should just stay home. And try to be a good mother. Perhaps my kids are the only things I should care about, rather than saving the company million bucks.