Ridzuan Razaai

I probably had spent gallons of ink writing this guy's name over and
over paper: behind text books, behind each note books, in pieces of
paper, colored papers, on my arms, accumulatively since I was 7. I grew
up thinking that I love him, that he is the one I look forward to
everyday we went to school, that I will one day marry him. He is the
first guy whose lips brushed mine It was an accident, we were like
practically colided each other when we were 9 (or was it 8?), but I
regard that as the first kiss I had, aahh.. so romantic. Few aunts got
married and spent Raya away from our homes, made me think that he is a
perfect match for me since we will be coming back to the same hometown
every Raya. I grew up thinking that I will marry someone from the same
hometown! I think he is meant for me, my house number was 32, so does
his (of course, from a different kampung). In the game of F.L.A.M.E.S.,
he (his full name) is a friend to me, and I am a friend to him, and we
ended up in L: LOVE. But his firs tname and my first name has a
different story, he is an enemy to me, and I wanna marry him (God that
was so true), we ended up admiring each other. Perhaps the second run
was much correct.
We were like the closest friends at school, top two pupils at the whole
darjah, and how could I be a girflriend to a close friend? When were
11, we grew apart, he was totally in a different world (because he moved
to a different class, sounds more like he moved to a different country
eh? *chuckled*). Then we stopped talking. The only time we talked is
during the prefect meetings, or when fixing the flags on the school
poles. I was so embarassed just to walk by his class just to see where
was he seated. But I caught him staring at me few times whenever he
passed me. In a way, I miss the times when we were seated next to each
other and just fought non-sensely whether cat should be an omnivor
instead of a carnivore. Two final years of my sekolah rendah was a sad
one. Plus, he has become more popular at school. He was like the
football , volleyball, badminton and all sort of other balls STAR. Me,
being an asthaematic child, sat quietly at the canteen when people were
talking about going for a match to another school with him. I was the
shy timid girl admiring him from outside the football field when our
school was the home. I think he run the fastest and kicks the most goals
(or perhaps I didn't understand the rule much) Rumor had that he even
had a pet sister. My heart was crushed, then I vowed to myself that the
day I tell him of how I feel will be the final day I live in a country
called Malaysia. (sooooooo dramatic!) The last day of sekolah rendah, I
sat at the staircase waiting for him just to say that he'll miss me. He
never did and I was the last to leave school.
So there I was, sitting on the staircase thinking that I will never love
another. (bear you that I was 12!). I vowed to myself that I will make
sure I get myself to the States and before flying off, I'll be reaching
him just to tell how much feelings I had had for him, and never, never
set my footback hometown again!
Yes, I did go to the States seven years later. No, he wasn't there to
say good bye, neither he knew I was flying. I was, of couse, was in
between relationships (eithers is not with him). I have forgotten the
vow I made of telling him and not coming back.
Until the day I printed my wedding invitation cards (of a wedding not
with him, and either of the two relationships I was in!). That is about
20 years after I silently declared my feelings to him. The day I
collected the boxes of the cards back home, he called and we met. Turned
out to be we were in the same neighbourhood near USJ. I was nervous
during dinner and told some stupid jokes just to cover things up. He was
practically quiet. He walked me to my car, still quiet. He looked at me
opened up my door, I stared at him and neither of us said any words. I
drove away, thinking that the feelings were never get told.
Then I had it. That night, I called him up again and poured the whole
thing. I started by saying that aren't you not sad that I am getting
married? Things then started to flow. I was no longer the shy timid girl
waiting for him at the staircase. I told him about the first kiss, he
didn't remember that. But he said he remembered kicking a ball hard to
an opponent who has been staring at me outside the football field. (did
he? I couldn't remember, or more that I didn't understand football
much!). He remembered a few things he did for me, and I couldn't recall
any of those, vice versa. Turned out to be that HE ACTUALLY LIKED ME TOO!
All the crushes I have for him are sweet memories. If we would have
became an item, and broke up, all the sweet memories would become
totally the opposite.
Ahhh.. my real puppy love. A plain cinta monyet unfinished. Or was it a
Perhaps Love?